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Pirates and Hobos/Hobos and Pirates...
Of Hobos and Silk
Pirate I love
The Snake Song
Junk in the Thong
Gandalf's Staff
Pudding of Doom
Tree Love (I'm so Lonely)

Pirates and Hobos/Hobos and Pirates....

Hobos and pirates are pretty and "large"
One lives on cardboard, the other a barge
Sea life for pirates is lonely, I wonder
Who they have sex with after they plunder
I would join the crew of that ship
If a pirate gave me a taste of his whip
Then land at a port
Rape hobos, for sport
They run in drunken stooper
While I try to ram their pooper
This may seem gratuitous to normal men
But you've never seen the hobo named Gwen
His beauty I swear cannot be compared
Even to pirates, gritty-black haired
This Gwen is a saint, of trashcans and stink
His rosey red nose, his flinching wink
I pull off his grungey bag clothes
How long it took me, nobody knows
The pirates they watched as I took my time
Not even a fine whore could do this crime
I live for the thrill of this hobo romance
Pirates are good but they rip my pants
Now comes to the end of my horrendus rhyme
I'm sorry about it, but now was the time
To reveal the truths of all these affairs
Even if at your tender heart it tears

Hobos, land creatures they be
Flock to the trashcans
Half-eaten big macs for free
The landfill's their kingdom
Tall mounds of refuse, grand
Come hobo, hold my hand
As I feel your gritty palm
We'll sing a drunken psalm
To the hobo god of grace
to bless this scummy place

Of Hobos and Silk

I touched the hobo
He felt of fine silk
I pray to my god
To taste his pure milk
This hobo is too much to bear
His overstuffed grocery cart
His grungey old hair
I confront him one day
In the old alleyway
I present him with cardboard and lace
He rejects me, I spray him with mace
If only I could make my feelings clear
I'd have that hobo, have him right here
On top of the cardboard, the pavement dark
On a bench in the park, pigeons surround
As all of my lusty exertions abound
I just want to please you
Old man of the street
I'll give you Jack Daniel's
If you'll touch my feet
Oh Hobo, I don't know what to do
Oh Hobo, I'm so in love with you
Forever I try
But I can't deny
My great hobo obsession
Be my smutty possession
Hobo man, I'll give you a can of beans
You can never know what this means
To me
He felt of fine silk

Pirate I love

Pirate, the sea thee sails
I hear the cabin boy wails
And all of this is intense
The smell of jerky incense
I run to the poopdeck
I run to it fast
If I am not quick
My hard-on won't last
I grab his blackbeard
I hold to it hard
I thrust into his back
"Say you're so big, Jack!"
He growled and he struggled
But later we snuggled
Oh pirate just submit
Don't play subliminal shit
It's my flame you've lit
and your anus I'll hit
The cabin boy lept from the ship you see
So all you have left for a partner is me
I'm a good lover, my art can't be beat
I have a huge dick, that you can eat
He then gave up and dropped his drawers
I will not describe my pleasurable horrors
But it was so wonderful ontop of that bloke
The next day, we both barely spoke
But I know he loves me, he let me win
Let my balls knock against his bearded chin
Now that he's concurred, the captain he's not
But who else could make a pirate so hot?

The Snake Song

Children gather round while I tell you this tale
It may make you shiver, may make you quite pale
But you gotta know about this man with a plan
He'll get you little children any way he can
As he says
Little boy, I'm gonna make you touch my snake

He rolls into town in a pretty pink gown
He heads straight for the children's playground
With a glint in his eye and a smirk on his lips
He walks onto the sand a swingin his hips
And he says
Little boy, I'm gonna make you touch my snake

He has pretty eyes and he has pretty hair
But children, oh children you better beware
His head's a mess but he looks damn good in a dress
His desire for children he cannot repress
So he says
Little boy, I'm gonna make you touch my snake

He'll show you his blade while you watch the parade
He'll make you drink a pitcher of his pink lemonade
As he takes off all your clothes in the shade
When I tell you this children, you must be afraid
Because he says
Little boy, I'm gonna make you touch my snake

Children watch out for your brother
Take care of yourself, take care of each other
Don't go out in the street, cause he'll show you his
His lust for children cannot be beat
While he says
Little boy, I'm gonna make you touch my snake

Little boy, Little boy, you better come right over here
I'm gonna stick this big ole snake in your little ear
You'll feel it slither and slide on your insides
Little boy, I'm gonna make you touch my snake

Oh, children if you don't believe my tale
just listen for the sound of a little boy's wail
If you don't believe this warning to be true
Just wait, just wait, till it happens to you
He'll make you all his little sexual slaves
He happens to be the most perverted of knaves
He's a desperate old man, he may have a tan
He could stuff all your body parts inside a can
As he says
Little boy, I'm gonna make you touch my snake

Junk in the Thong

Something's very wrong
I see junk in your thong
Are you a woman or a man
Tell me if you can
I'm so confused by you
What bathroom door do you go through?
Are you a lady who behaves
Or a big man that shaves?

Sexuality is where we have to start
Before you can have my heart

Gandalf's Staff

Gandalf's Staff is long and hard
He'd like to stick it in your yard
And wiggle it with magic charm
It wouldn't hurt, it'd cause no harm
All hobbits please bend over quick
I'll poke you with my big wood stick!
In the shire cool and green
All the hobbits suck and wean
Upon my staff, 'tis pure delight
Please Bilbo won't you stay the night.
Maybe Frodo could join in
On the ecstasy of wizard sin...
I use my staff, I use it well
In many a battle, my enemy fell
Due to the power of my huge, engorged staff
If you challenge Gandalf you must face his wrath.

Pudding of Doom

If you eat some pudding will it make you go insane?
Will it make a psychadelic daydream take hold of your brain?
Will you imagine you have purple wings and bananas in your ears?
Will you see the mighty lumberjack that every tall tree fears?
Will you see the naked hobos that frolic gaily in the fields?
Will you see the grand, enlarged staff that only Gandolf wields?
All these things I ask of you before you do partake
Of that strange pudding that you found, I warn you for your sake
Because I once knew a friend's cousin's mom who had acid in her cup
Of lovely chocolate pudding which she always had to sup
And she quickly took her clothes off at her children's birthday bash
And she grabbed the clown and sloppily did what I call the "Monster Mash"
So be wary of your pudding, and watch out who you get it from
But before you finish all of it, could I please have some?

Tree Love (I'm so Lonely)

I'm so lonely, I could hump a tree
But then I'd probably get splinters in my knee
It may also make it very hard to pee
But you must see
I'm so lonely, I could hump a tree

Nobody ever wants to go out with me
I offer them everything, from vodka to tea
But they never want to play with my baloney
No sex for free
I'm so lonely, I could hump a tree

I looked all over the world for a girl to treat me right
One that wouldn't run screaming when I asked to stay the night
Someone I could hold onto, really tight
But my tree is the only one that don't put up a fight Naturally
I'm so lonely, I could hump a tree

I save money on condoms, trees don't carry HIV
I never have to take her out, I eat her apples for free
She never gets the urge to go on a shopping spree
I'm in love with a tree

She's a real hickory
She's always hard for me
I will always hump my tree!

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