The Christmas Crisis

An Evening…of terror!!!

Green Nightmare

Much Too Soggy...

One of Violent Bob's Adventures.....

The Mysterious Legend of the Ancient Golden Turtle of
Doom,Death,and Other Such Things

The Day The Turkey Fought Back

Bob's Big day

Captain's Log

Other People's Writings

An Evening…of terror!!!
By John Lindsey(11-28-01)

Susan was at her neighbors' house babysitting late one Friday night. She was getting bored of watching the children, and decided to lock them in a closet while she stepped out of the house for a bite to eat.
She went to Long John Silvers for some scrumptious fast food fish, ordered her food, and then went to sit down at a table.
As she sat down, she heard a voice behind her. " Arrr matey! You best be checkin' on your land-lubbin children soon. Me thinks something terrible has happened... arr," said a scurvy laden pirate.
Susan was deeply afraid of the pirate, and thinking quickly, she pulled out a jar of termites and released them. The termites attacked the pirate's wooden leg, and Susan escaped from the restaurant.
She went back to the house, and walked up the stairs to the children's room. She flung the door open and was horrified by what she saw...
The closet door had been broken out from the inside, and the children had escaped!
She saw three of the four children glaring at her while they held various household objects, such as: a sponge, a bar of soap, and a roll of toilet paper. Susan looked at the children and said, "Where is the fourth child hiding? I know there were four...
"The eldest child, a boy named Ellian, stepped forward and proclaimed, "We were in there for what seemed like years... Naturally, we had to eat something."
Susan replied emotionally, "But you were only in there for five minutes!"
"Oh... well, it seemed like longer," said Ellian, "But that is not important now. You must pay for your failure as a baby sitter!"
When the children jumped at Susan with their various weapons, she simply ran out of the room and locked the door behind her.
"Well, I guess I could go watch some T.V. for a while," she said after yawning.
She went back downstairs, to the living room, and began flipping through the channels. She paused on one channel, and heard the newscaster say, "Breaking news! An axe wielding serial killer is on the loose..."
She changed the channel, only to hear another reporter say, " This just in! Three ninja assassins have just escaped from the county jail..."
She mumbled something incoherently, and changed the channel again. Just in time to hear yet another reporter say, "Newsflash! Fourteen full-grown African butterflies have just escaped from the local zoo, and are wreaking havoc on the ..." Susan turned off the T.V. and, under her breath, said; "There's never anything good on T.V. anymore. It's just news, news, news."
She was about to go into the kitchen to get something to drink, when she heard the phone ring.
She picked it up and answered, " Yo! What chu be wantin!?"
The voice on the other line said, "It's me, the mother of the children you're babysitting. I just wanted to check back with them, and see if they were okay. I just heard something about some crazy escaped butterflies on the news."
"Oh, the children are fine," Susan claimed, " Those loud screams you might be hearing in the background are screams of glee! They must be playing a good game of hide and seek, or something."
"Well, that sounds nice," the mother said, "I guess I'll be hanging up now then."
The instant Susan hung up the phone, it rang again. A male voice on the other line said, "Arr... I be very mad about what ye did to my leg back at the restaurant," said the familiar pirate voice, " I'll be killin yur land-lubbin children now... arrr."
"Wait!" Susan yelled, " Why is the reception so staticy? Are you on a cell phone or something?
"Arr... Well, maybe..." the pirate said, " What be yur point... arr?
Susan replied, "Well, since when do pirates carry around cell phones!?"
"Arr?" replied the pirate, "Me thinks I'll be hangin up now... arr."
The line went dead, and Susan hung up, then immediately prank called the operator. She chuckled for a while, and then decided to go see if the pirate really was in the children's room.
She walked up the stairs and opened the children's door. As she entered the room, she saw the pirate hobble in through the window. Susan looked around at the children, and noticed that there were only two of them left.
"Where's poor little Robert?" she asked.
Ellian replied, " We threw him out the window, in an attempt to knock the pirate, that was attacking, off of his ladder. We failed miserably... Alas, poor Bob."
Susan, remembering that the pirate was in that very room, turned to look at him.
" What the heck is that!?" Susan proclaimed, while pointing at the hook that was now attached to where the pirate's wooden leg had once been.
"Arr... Well, when them termites got the best of me land-lubbin wooden leg, I had no choice but to use me giant fishin hook as a new leg. Now I be angry, and is going to kill you... arr!" the pirate said, while waving his hook leg threateningly.
Ellian formulated a plan within his mind and said, " I tell you what Mr. Pirate, if you don't kill us, I'll convince my parents to buy you a stainless steel leg when they get home!"
"Arr... Well, okay, but you have to let me kill at least one of ya... arr," said the pirate.
"Deal!" yelled Susan, as she through little Babbette, the only remaining child besides Ellian, to the pirate.
The pirate waved his hook leg about madly and mortally wounded poor Babbette.
He then yelled, "Arr... It be time to party... Arr!"
He pulled out a jug of rum and an accordion, and he, Ellian, and Susan sang jolly pirate songs until Ellian's parents came home.
The parents, happy to have met a new pirate friend, quickly forgot about the murders of several of their children. The pirate has helped Susan baby sit from that point forward!

Green Nightmare

It was Halloween night (of coarse) and Bob was walking down the road looking for tricker-treaters, so he could take their candy.
He started to wonder why a road that was usually very busy was now void of all people except him. Tumbleweeds rolled past him…perhaps too many tumbleweeds. The wind whispered through the trees. Saying things like, “Whoosh,” and “Beware Bob!” Bob was not frightened though; he was used to hearing strange voices.
The voices had plagued his mind ever since he was a child. Telling him he was a ho and that he should kick old ladies. People often heard Bob talking to himself, and thought he was crazy.
They watched him commit violent acts on dandelions and gave him the nickname, “Violent Bob.”
Bob was so used to violence in his life that not even a dark and dreary Halloween night, like tonight, could scare him. He mocked the vampire bats that circled him, and he poked mummies in the eye!
He still didn’t think that there was something quite right about this night though. There were no living creatures anywhere. Even the alleyways were free of gangstas and hobos this night.
As Bob neared his secret laboratory he was aware of the eerie stillness.
Just then a stick snapping in the forest broke the silence.
Bob was suspicious, but didn’t check it out further. He needed to get to the lab; there were many experiments he had planned for the night. He was nearing the lab now.
He looked around and was shocked by the destruction of many of the buildings around were the lab was.
“What could cause this!?” he wondered aloud.
Just then, Bob saw a shadow creep put of the midst of broken buildings. Bob knew right away what it was.
“So, I see that you have escaped from my lab. My experiments must be working,” Bob said.
Bob watched the shadow stalk towards him. As the creature walked towards him, it left the shadows, and was exposed by the moonlight.
Bob could now see its horrendously violent form. The shape of what may have once been a Galapagos Tortoise could now be seen clearly.
If it was a tortoise at some time, you could hardly tell now. While in Bob’s lab, the constant bombardment of radioactive waves upon it had mutated it into a creature of pure violence.
Bob had done many experiments on this turtle, and managed to inject it with a new strain of rabies that would not kill its host, and yet was also incurable.
To top all of this off, Bob had trained the turtle in the dreaded art of Judo. The Rabid Judo Turtle of Doom, Death, and Other Such Things glared threateningly at Bob.
“I still have many more experiments I need to perform on you, I will detain you fool!” said Bob.
The turtle snickered and commenced to attack Bob with all the violence of Rhode Island!
Bob was no weakling though; he had detained many creatures that had escaped from his lab in the past. Although this turtle was much stronger than any of those creatures, Bob still fought on.
The battle lasted far into the night, but eventually Bob got angry and kicked the turtle in the groin.
It was a sad moment for turtles everywhere.
He then picked up the turtle and placed it in a reinforced steel box, which the turtle easily broke out of. Bob then placed the turtle on a platform in the center of a minefield that had a giant mote around it that just so happened to be filled with lions, tigers, alligators, sharks, and a pirate! The resourceful turtle easily escaped from that prison as well.
Bob eventually gave up and let the turtle run amuck. “You truly are ready to leave my lab,” he said as the turtle ran off into the night, “Let the horse be with you!”
So ended the Legend of the Rabid Turtle. Some say that he still roams the land to this very day; destroying miscellaneous houses, and just being a crazy Judo Turtle.


Much too soggy…

Dear Editor:
There is an issue that brings infinite sadness to all of the school children’s thoughts. Even I have shed a tear on the matter at hand. You know the subject I speak of.
It is the states of sogginess that the school fries have taken form in. It is horribly vile that we have been subjected to such half-cooked food.
I have seen many a kid sobbing uncontrollably at the lunch table, unable to look upon the fries on his/her tray. Not to mention all of the brutal fights that have taken place in the lunchroom over who will get the best fries. It seems that some fries are warmer than others, and these are treasured among the students.
I heard that good fries are now being sold on the black market, although I wouldn’t be able to confirm that…
I write you editor, because I think you should be able to fix the problem somehow…
Using the editorial skill vested in you, you shall triumph over the lunch ladies and cook a better fry, one that hasn’t just been dipped in cold grease and aloud to absorb its gruesome fluid.
Nay, I say that all students should ban together in this time of great sorrow. We must perform stealth operations by the cover of nightfall.
We will sneak past the schools once thought impenetrable security system, and into the recesses of the school’s kitchen. Who knows what creatures we will have to vanquish in order to get to the fryers.
I’m sure we will have to do back flips over infrared security sensors while dodging rabid rodents in order to get within reach of the fryers.
It is assured that a legion of lunch ladies may then attack. We must overcome this onslaught though; if we wish to better our fry-eating situation.
After we have triumphed over this adversary we must accomplish something that has not been done since the beginning of school lunch time…we must turn the fryers on!
Though the code security system may be hard to crack, we must persevere. I am aware that if the wrong code is entered the trapdoor will open sending whomever typed the wrong code to the deep bowls of the school’s dungeon.
I shudder at the thought, but that is why we must have all of the students volunteer in this operation. That way many of them will have attempted the code before it’s my turn…
After we have succeeded in turning on the fryers, we will face the hardest task of them all. We must leave the fries down for their allotted cooking time, no matter how busy the lunch line gets.
It is assumed that we will also face another drove of rabid lunch ladies, or was that rabid rodents and normal everyday lunch ladies? Either way may spell certain doom for the people involved in this operation, but it is a risk we must be willing to take in order to attain the greatest fries…
So Editor, I give you the task of informing the students of this task at hand. I also give you the responsibility of planning and carrying out this entire operation; I will be watching from a safe location when the mission is carried out… To better fries, and the hope of greater lunchtimes.

Cordially yours,
the one known as John

One of Violent Bob's Adventures…

Once long, long ago; three days to be exact, there was a man named Robert. He was a very special person with a tendency to attack miscellaneous people for no particular reason. It was because of his brutality that the townspeople began to call him such things as Ho, He Who Shall Not be Named, and Violent Bob. He took a liking to the name Violent Bob and even the name Ho, but it was Violent Bob that stuck with him.
One day as Bob was walking down the road a band of homeys attacked him. Violent Bob had dealt with such people before and was quick to use the dreaded art of Judo to violently dispose of the potential muggers. After this, he walked down the road a little further. He noticed an old lady crossing the road, and thought that she might be a danger to him. He told her to look over there, as he pointed behind her. The instant that her gaze left Bob, to look at what he was pointing at, Bob leapt at her with all the wrath of the Great Tortoise! Needless to say nothing was left of the old lady…or was there? Well probably, but on with the story.
A passing cow, which happened to see the old lady’s demise, simply said moo and walked away. But it was what was behind that cow that caught Bob’s eye… was another cow!!! Bob knew that if he was to survive, he must dispose of the cow, but the cow was smarter than Bob’s other victims. It had made a wall of cow pies all around itself. Bob, not wanting to get cow waste on him, decided to wait for the cow to come out to eat and drink. He knew that the cow could only stay in there for so long before it needed nourishment.
Bob waited for what seemed like minutes. He grew angry at the cow’s persistence, and eventually hopped clear over the cow pie wall. To his amazement the cow had set a trap knowing that Bob would eventually try to jump the wall. The cow had dug a pit at the foot of the wall, and then filled it with man-eating walruses! But Bob’s violence had made him so inhuman, that the walruses thought he was one of them and didn’t eat him. Bob then sneakily replaced the man-eating walruses with cow-eating walruses. He then planted a grass seed, waited for it to grow into a blade of grass, and then used it to draw the cow to the edge of the pit. When the cow ventured near Bob pulled it in by its leg. Much to Bob’s dismay, the cow began to eat the walruses. It never occurred to him that the cow could be a much-feared Walrus-eating Cow of Peril! Bob then kicked the cow in the groin. Of coarse it died, and Bob used its dead body as a stepladder to get out of the pit.

To be continued…

The Mysterious Legend of the Ancient Golden Turtle of Doom and Death and Other Such Things
BY: John Lindsey 6-6-01

It is rumored that back in the days of King Ronchief Art there was a treasure more brilliant and sparkly than any other anybody had ever seen.
Yes, even more pretty and shiny then the Ruby Red Rabbit of Rome.
The value of this often dreamed about treasure, known only as the Ancient Golden Turtle of Doom and Death and Other Such Things, is rumored to be $10.
Such a treasure is often longed for all of a man’s life, at least that’s how it was for the hero of this legendary tale of treasure and just plain good times.
Alfonzo Fredrick the XXXVIII, otherwise known as Alf, has always dreamed about the fame and fortune this rare and mysterious artifact would bring.
One day he couldn’t take it anymore, and he decided to explore the mysterious ruins that just happened to be in his backyard. The ruins were cleverly hidden behind a big door that said, “There aren’t any ruins back here!”
This sign has thwarted many treasure hunters of the past into turning around and walking home, but good old Alf wasn’t so easily fooled by this meticulously thought out and insanely difficult conundrum…
Or maybe it was because he couldn’t read? But in any case he walked right through the doorway and was amazed by what he saw beyond.
An ancient race of highly intelligent turtles. In his amazement at this, he stumbled backwards and tripped over a stone. He knew the only way to get past the turtles, and find the treasure beyond, was to fight them off with the very rock he tripped over.
One of the turtles made the mistake of straying too close and was mercilessly bashed on the head with the stone.
The other turtles weren’t too happy about this and commenced to attack the rock-wielding Alf.
Alf knew he was outnumbered and decided to make a run down the path and find the treasure, then he could think of an escape plan.
He had always figured that turtles were slow, but he knew why the rabbit lost the race the instant he felt the immensely painful bite of a turtle on his leg.
He couldn’t run fast enough, and in a last ditch attempt to kill all of the turtles he hurled the rock (it was still in his hand of course) at the attacking turtles. He missed terribly, but as soon as the rock hit the ground the turtles relented.
It was then that Alf realized that the rock he had been holding this whole time was none other then the Ancient Golden Turtle of Doom, Death, and Other Such Things.
If only he had looked at the rock when he first tripped over it (instead of bashing a turtle’s head in) he would have realized he had the treasure he sought. He could have then walked out of the ruins without alerting the turtles.
As Alf was cursing his idiocy, he realized that the turtles were just standing by the treasure.
They wouldn’t even move unless he touched the Ancient Turtle of Doom, Death, and Other Such Things.
Of course he didn’t realize this until he touched the treasure and had his entire left arm bitten off by a fearsome guard turtle.
Alf was beginning to form a plan in his puny mind though.
He cautiously walked up to a guard turtle... It just stood there. He kicked it down the hall, and it didn’t retaliate. He stomped on another one, but its shell was too thick leaving the turtle unharmed.
He then picked up the turtles one by one and threw them into an alligator pit nearby.
Alf new this was a cruel thing to do to the alligators, but he thought while the turtles were beating up in the alligators, he could take the treasure without being noticed.
This just might have worked had the Giant Turtle of Doom not shown up. Alf had no idea he had been watching the whole event from the shadows.
Alf realized that he must kill this turtle with his own two hands if he was to get the prized treasure. The turtle glared menacingly at Alf as Alf tried to sneak around behind it.
A vicious turtle kick to the chest stopped Alf’s efforts. Although he was in immense pain, Alf knew he must prevail.
He told the turtle his shoes were untied, and as the turtle looked down Alf did an uppercut of destruction to the turtle’s chin.
Now the turtle was really mad. It started making the meanest turtle noises you ever heard. Like... um, well you tell me what a turtle sounds like.
Then, it bit Alf’s ear right off and stepped on his foot at the same time.
As Alf was just about to die he had his most ingenious plan ever.
He took off his hat, pulled out a rabbit, and watched it run off. The turtle, knowing that he couldn’t let the rabbit win the race, forgot about the treasure he was protecting and ran off after the rabbit.
Alf then carefreely picked up the treasure and strolled out of the ruins.
Later he sold the Ancient Golden Turtle of Doom, Death, and Other Such things on the black market for double retail value.
He took the $20 he made and bought half a tank of gas.
He never felt so fulfilled in all of his life...
and they all lived happily ever after, except for the alligators. They were brutally murdered by the guard turtles. The rabbit was never seen again.

The Day the Turkey Fought Back
BY: John Lindsey 6-5-01

It was a cold November morning and the world famous hunter Goodman Bob was looking for the biggest turkey he could kill. It was the day before Thanksgiving and he wanted to give his wife plenty of time to prepare the turkey for the next day’s feast.
He walked silently through the snow in search of some turkeys.
Just then he heard a bunch of gobbling and other turkey noises from a forest clearing ahead. He decided that the best way to sneak up on the turkeys and kill them was to disguise himself as a turkey and walk into the forest clearing.
So, dressed as a turkey, he walked to where he heard the turkeys. As he looked around at the many turkeys, his eyes gazed upon the largest turkey he had ever seen.
It was as big as a horse and looked like it could feed a whole country. The big old turkey just stared at Bob, but Bob knew that if he whipped out his gun from under his turkey disguise while the turkey was watching it might have time to somehow fly away.
So, he decided to sneak around behind the turkey and get it by surprise.
Bob walked as much like a turkey as possible and got behind the big turkey. He speedily pulled out his puritan Uzi, yelled, “Die you big dumb turkey,” and began to unload clip after clip of ammo into the poor defenseless turkey.
At least Bob thought the turkey was defenseless; that is until it turned around with a mad glint in his eye and commenced to beat the puritan hunter with his own gun.
Now Bob didn’t much like getting beat on the head with his own weapon, and after he got over the shock of a big giant turkey brutally assaulting him, he decided that a swift puritan kick to the neck would be the best way to harm the turkey.
Just when his foot was about to make contact, the turkey bit it right in half!
Bob yelled, “ Ouch you good for nothing turkey; now you’ll feel my wrath.”
The big turkey just said, “gobble, gobble, gobble.”
By this time all the other turkeys had gathered in a circle around the fight, preventing any means of escape for the fearless hunter Bob.
Bob, knowing that his life could end at any moment, pulled out his stainless steel cross and threw it as if it were a ninja star straight into the turkey’s heart.
How this had killed the turkey after the gun and even the dreaded puritan kick had failed, Bob did not know. He was just glad that he had the biggest turkey ever for this year’s Thanksgiving feast.
It was around this time that he realized that he was going to have a hard time hauling such a humongous turkey the six miles back to his cabin.
He tried to lift it, but it’s massive weight, and the fact that Bob lost most of his energy fighting it, made it impossible to move the turkey more than a couple of inches.
Bob then looked to the heavens in silent prayer, but was horrified by what he saw.
Already, five vultures and one duck (who thought he was a vulture) were circling around in the air.
Bob knew he didn’t have much time before the hideous birds would eat his prized turkey.
Thinking quickly, he climbed as fast as he could up a really tall tree and made a wild jump at one of the vultures. It wasn’t until he was halfway to the vulture that he realized that it was really dumb to jump off of the top of a tall tree...
He tried flapping his arms to reduce the speed of his fall, and it just might have worked, that is if he was a bird or something.
Instead, he just dropped like a rock and landed right on top of the giant turkey. The force of the impact sent the turkey sliding through the forest in the opposite direction of Bob’s cabin.
It didn’t stop sliding until it was far out of Bob’s range of sight; some say it still slides to this day.
Because of his injuries, Bob knew that he had to go back home.
From that point on Bob was the laughing stock of his village. His story of “the one that got away” is still used by many fishermen and hunters to this day.

Bob’s Big Day
BY John Lindsey 6-5-01

Narrator: There once was a man from Nantucket…….but that’s a different story. This tale is about the trials and tribulations of a normal everyday kid named Bob, as he goes through his normal dull day of school.

Bob: (walks into class late and stares at his desk)

Mr. Banks: (the big, mean, and scary teacher) Young man this is the fourth day in a row you’ve walked in late to my fine, fine class. You slacker, what’s your excuse this time?

Bob: My dog ate it.

Mr. Banks: What!? You idiot I’m not asking about your homework, I’m asking why your late to my extraordinary class.

Bob: Oh, I forgot how to work the automatic doors, couldn’t get into the school building. So I tried to get in the window, but I got stuck. I had to wait half an hour for someone to come by and pull me into the building.

Mr. Banks: (anger rising) That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard! You know our school is too cheap to buy automatic doors!

Bob: Oh! No wonder the door wouldn’t open.

Mr. Banks: Okay, okay sit down! All of your dumbness has given me a headache. Let me fill out your tardy card.(Banks pulls out a bottle of Aspirin from his desk and swallows the whole bottle)

Bob: My tardy what?

Mr. Banks: Your tardy card.(in between gulps of water)

Bob: I thought I was tardy, not my card.

Mr. Banks: (now furious) Arrggh! You never stop. That’s it, I’m getting my yard stick you…. YOU HEATHEN!(He pulls out a yardstick from it’s sheath behind his desk)

Bob: Why get a yard stick I already know how tall I am. I’m 5’5”.

Mr. Banks: (still furious) Ya, and you’ll be four foot nine when I’m through with you.(Banks makes a wild swing at Bob’s head. Bob bends down to pick up a penny.

Bob: Wow a penny! ( the yardstick slices right over his head ,and hits another student, named Sally, who immediately starts crying hysterically.) Mr. Banks: Oh no, I’m so sorry Sally. I wasn’t trying to get you . I was just trying to maim Bob over there.

Sally:(getting very angry) How could you!? I worked three hours; THREE WHOLE HOURS getting my hair right this morning. Now it’s ruined! My life will never be the same. Do you know how hard it is to stay this stunningly beautiful?

Bob: Actually I always thought you were ugly.

Sally: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!(picks up her brush threateningly)

Bob: Don’t look at me , it was him( Bob points at the boy picking his nose to the left of him)

Nosepicker : Do what!? I wasn’t picking my nose! Honestly, I was trying to find my penny.

Bob: Hey, is this the penny you were looking for?

Nosepicker: ya, that’s the one, thanks!

Mr. Banks and Sally at the same time: What the freaking flying heck!!!

Sally: I was going to attack you two with my brush, but I think your extreme stupidity will kill you before I get the chance.

Mr. Banks: Ya, I was going to hit you on the nose with my yardstick, but I’m afraid you may have other things up your nose, and my yardstick could bounce back and cause me physical harm.

Narrator: The three students and the senile old teacher kept arguing like this on and on. The other students thought it would never stop. Until lo and behold channel one news came on. Everyone in the class sat silently in their seats and stared happily at the screen. Due to the extreme excitement of Channel One, the class was perfectly behaved. Even Bob’s eyes were transfixed on the screen except for the occasional glance down at his piece of paper, where he was diligently taking notes on the news. The nosepicker kid was too busy rubbing his eyes from scarcely believing the splendor and excitement of the news. He never even looked for more pennies. Sally stopped worrying about her hair while she stared at the TV. Mr. Banks, while acting like he was taping up his broken yardstick, was just as silent and excited as his students. The moral of this story is…… oh wait, I forgot to put one in there. Here’s a good one: Don’t do drugs or you might end up like Bob.


Captain’s Log


Dearest log,
We are about to set out on our long journey from England to the one and only fountain of youth. Things don’t seem right though. The vultures won’t stop circling the ship. We tried shooting them with the cannons, but the cannon balls kept falling down on our ship. Some of the sailors saw this, and the old fortuneteller that said our ship was doomed, as bad omens. I think we’ll be just fine though. Well, our provisions are checked, and my seventy-five men crew are setting sail for that fountain.

Cordially yours,
Captain Majohnan


Dear Mr. Log,
How long can vultures fly? We’ve journeyed for many days, but the vultures still follow. One of them got the man in the crow’s nest, poor Hudson. Now no one will go up there. Anyway, it seems we forgot to pack food. Good thing the weird fungi growing below deck can sustain us. So far everything’s gone well. Only ten crewmen have died from scurvy, five from the fierce vultures, and three from unknown causes.

Your Friend,


To log,
You would have thought that the hurricane would have killed off at least one vulture, but now there are even more. It also seems that a giant squid is chasing the boat. It’s slow, so we’ve been able to stay a little ahead of it, but it doesn’t seem to tire.
I always used to think compasses pointed north, but the one I found in the Cracker Jack box is constantly changing direction.

Yours Truly,
Captain Majohnan
P.S. What does P.S. mean?


Hey log,
I found out that my compass is really a watch! Isn’t it great; now I know what time it is. I’ve been having such a nice time in my armored chamber. While my crewmen are running from vultures and dodging the tentacles of a giant squid, I’m reading How to be a Captain of a Ship. It turns out that little gadget I threw at the giant squid, in an attempt to harm it, was called an astrolabe. It helps you navigate in the ocean. Good thing I still have my watch.

None other than Captain Majohnan
P.S. Ha! Made ya look.
P.S.S. Oh! You fell for it again.
P.S.S.S. Okay, this is getting old


Great news! The vultures and squid have only managed to pick off thirteen more guys. Our food supply, the fungi, seems to be growing though. Barely anyone can fit below deck now. It also keeps moving around. I’ll keep you posted on this.


Dear rotted log,
It seems the fungi has eaten some one. Imas Ailor was swallowed whole. Why exactly am I talking to this hollowed out log. This log is starting to rot and run out of room for more writing.
It also seems that the vultures are restless; they eat more and more every day.


In a last ditch attempt to kill the vultures, we decided to send in our trained archers. They shot hundreds of arrows into the air, but since when can vultures dodge that well? The arrows rained back down and killed many more of our men. So we decided to send up flaming arrows instead, because vultures can’t possibly dodge flames... and it worked! All of the vultures caught on fire and did little kamikaze attacks on our ship.
While watching this I began to wish I hadn’t spilled all that gunpowder that I was using to cook the fungi with... because that stuff sure smells bad! Anyway, we put out the small fires that the vultures made and fed them to the man-eating squid, so maybe it wouldn’t eat us. It turns out though that the squid was planning this chain of events the whole time, because when we got close to the edge of the ship the squid started grabbing the vultures and our men. The survivors than ran to the center of the boat and rejoiced that the vultures were dead. In all this was a very productive day.

From this ship’s Captain


Dear log remains,
We still have ten of our crew members left, and out of seventy-five, that ain’t bad.


Dear log,

Miscellaneous crewmember that broke into the captain’s chamber


I think we are getting closer to land. We keep crashing into coral reefs and other such obstacles. We all had a good laugh when a giant shark ate that giant squid. Heh heh heh, I still get tickled at the look on that squid’s adorable face. The day has been just perfect, except for the death of every one else on the ship but me to that tsunami. Good thing I wore a life jacket.


YEAAAAYYYY!!! I’ve finally spotted land, but wait, I’m the only one left, and you have to have at least three people to confirm land( according to the book How to be a Captain of a Ship) So that fountain of youth looking image is probably not real. I’ll probably just turn around and sail back to England now. This voyage has been a big success.
Mr. Majohnan, Captain of this unnamed ship that is floating on top of the water, in a sea far away from England.
P.S. In the western hemisphere, past the prime meridian, slightly east of the New World.
P.S.S. Which is west of the old world, that is as old as an old world can be.

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