Old Man Warz

John Lindsey 3-3-03

“It’s an old man, run!” screamed an adolescent boy as he picked up his younger sister and attempted to run away to safety.

“You won’t get away from me that easily youngins!” said the old man as he swiftly hobbled towards his prey.

In his ancient and feeble mind, youth were the embodiment of all was wrong in the world. And, with his wooden cane of peril, he would poke these children with all of the strength one of his age could muster… That is if he could catch up to them.

They were quite a ways up the street now, so the old man took some drastic measures… He leapt into the road with unparalleled agility and latched himself to the roof of a speeding car.

The driver of the car took no notice of this, as the old man’s tiny amount of weight made very little impact.

Before long, the car was catching up to the poor innocent children, and the boy looked over his shoulder in dismay.

“How can this be!?” he screamed as he threw his little sister at the old man in a crazy attempt to knock him off of the car.

The fogie batted the girl away listlessly with his cane, and then prepared to strike down the remaining child. But, when he rose to his full height (so he could put a lot of “old man force” into his blow), he was clotheslined by a traffic light that he had failed to take notice of.

He hit the ground hard, and was ran over by several cars and horses that came up the road. He drug himself to the safety of the sidewalk with his good arm, and then passed out.

When he came to, he realized he was still on the sidewalk, but only now he was surrounded by police officers that had guns, lions, and other such things pointed at his withered self…

“Don’t you move!” one officer shouted through his megaphone. “Oh please, don’t hurt me!” the old man yelled while he made appealing gestures with his hands. “I’m just a weak… old… man!”

“Poor guy, maybe we should be gentle with him.” one officer suggested. “No!” interrupted another officer, “Don’t let this old man fool you. It is just a trick to get us to lower our guard so he can run away!”

While the officers argued, the old man started to quietly crawl away. “See!” the officer shouted as he sprinted after the senior citizen. The senior procured his walker from a holster on his back, and spun madly around, bringing it in a full swing that could have made a dent in a sturdy aluminum can. Unfortunately for him, the cop was not as close as he’d hoped, and the walker missed by a yard or so. The brute force of his swing got him off balance, and he was knocked the rest of the way over by his pursuer.

All at once, the cops and lions leapt upon him in a wild struggle to get him disarmed. The old man was able to kill two of the lions with his fearsome toothless biting, but the third lion was strong enough to get handcuffs on the intrepid old man. Even in this state, the old man was still able to mortally wound a few more police officers with his bad breath and fearsome glaring alone. “So… I suppose you’ll be taking me to jail now, right?”

The commanding officer replied “No, actually. We have something much better planned for you, the Old Man Wars competition!”

In that moment, all of the old man’s fears had been realized. He had heard of this competition before, in a nightmarish story some rough old men used to tell around alleyway trash fires.

This “death derby” type competition was originally instated (by the government) as a form of population control. In these days of modern medicine, the birthrate was much much higher than the death rate, and it just wasn’t possible to cram much more people on Earth.

So, some asinine politician suggested that the first born from each household be fed to the president’s rabid goldfish. But, that was seen as too violent of a solution, so a tournament where old men fight to the death was proposed as the “best answer!”

In a few short years, a giant arena was built on giant stilts that stood atop the cities skyscrapers. After all, the surface of the earth was covered with buildings and “clearing” them out of the way would lead to worse overcrowding in other areas.

No old man would escape from an arena that high. Unless, when they jumped over the edge, they were fortunate enough to land in a puddle, or just had really tough skin.

The police interrupted the old man’s daydreaming by throwing him into the back of their car.

They sped off, and the old man watched the scenery fly by. They drove for what seemed like seconds, and then there it was! Just like the stories foretold, this arena of discord, loomed high above everything else. Of course, the old man would have been able to see it from his former “habitat” if it weren’t for all of the buildings obscuring his view.

An overwhelming feeling of dread gripped the poor old man, but it started to alleviate as they drew closer to the arena. In fact, he started to feel a strange sort of excitement.

“I’ll just pretend the other old men are evil evil children, and then it shouldn’t be too hard for me to survive a couple death matches…” he thought to himself, “And just maybe, I’ll win all of my matches, and they will let me retire as some sort of grand champion or something!”

He let this thought amuse him, and then started making faces out the car’s window at the people on the street. A few people stopped what they were doing so they could laugh and point at him. But, the piercing old man glare they were met with stopped their gall bladders cold!

Finally the car made it to the police station skyscraper, which had one of the arena pillars on top of it, and stopped. Many cops ran out of the building with radiation suits on (perhaps they thought the old man was poisonous… or maybe just contagious), and started elbow dropping the poor old man. The old man considered annihilating them all with some deadly kicks, but thought better of it. He really wanted to be apart of Old Man Wars now!

He was carried to an elevator, and brought all the way up the skyscraper and pillar, and straight into the battle arena! The police threw him out of the elevator, and then closed the doors.

He surveyed his surroundings, and was amazed by the sheer size of this arena. It was built like a football stadium from the days of yore; only the central “stage” was caged in with a metal dome (just like in those corny movies!), and there was a trapdoor at the top that was probably there so that the arena officials could drop rocks or babies down on the competitors… There was a catwalk on top of the dome that led from the trap door to another door at the outer edge of the arena.

The poor old man was so busy looking at the smashing architecture to notice another geezer, about half his size, who had started running at him. The midget geezer took out the old man’s legs, and they both fell to the ground. The midget began to scratch and bite at him, and it seemed as though the poor old man would be killed within the first few minutes of his very first match. But then… He imagined that this midget was a young child (which wasn’t hard considering the midget’s stature), and mustered an incredible amount of strength. He used all of this energy to hurl the midget high into the sky! The old man then built a giant spike out of a pile of dirt and some spittle right underneath the falling midget who was impaled before he could even say, “Ouch I have been impaled. It hurts, but not really as it has happened so fast. I wish I had some pizza to eat right now…” The old man ate the midget, and the crowd cheered very loudly.

Suddenly, the elevator doors popped back open, and around eighty tranquilizer darts flew forth and struck the old man. Though such sedatives would have killed an elephant, they didn’t really do too much to the old man… He eventually got bored waiting for them to take effect, and fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a jail cell or something like it, and was chained to a stake in the ground. Several other old men were in the cell with him, and they were all treated likewise. He was about to attack one of the other old men, but his chain was too short for him to get close enough… He opted to ask the other old man a question instead.

“So… How long have you been apart of the Old Man Wars competition?”

“For a couple of weeks now… I doubt I’ll live much longer.”

“Yeah… I’ve heard the elderly here are vicious.”

“True, but anyway… I see you’re the new guy. Do you have a name, or shall I just call you new guy?”

He was taken aback by this simple question, and had to think for a long time before he remembered what they used to call him. “My name is… Bob! And you shall feeeeeel my wrath!”

The old man, Bob, reached down and pulled at the stake that he was chained to, and eventually (several hours later) it came free! He swung the chain in circles, and the spike sailed around the room taking out all old men it came in contact with. But Bob’s nemesis was crafty indeed, and caught the spike with his teeth. He spit it back at Bob, and it pierced Bob’s left hand, and sent it flying back into the wall. And so, poor Bob was once more stuck in place…

“Alright, you’ve won this round Balthasar! But you haven’t seen the last of me!”

“Um… My name isn’t Balthasar. And you can’t just go around killing your fellow old men when we aren’t in the arena! It’s just common courtesy…”

“As always Balthasar, you are right…”

“What do you mean as always? Today is the first time we’ve met.”

“Oh yeah…” Bob replied, as he curled up into a ball and fell back asleep hand still staked onto the wall.

He awoke several hours later to the sound of his cell being opened. Several police officers, armed with plastic butter knives, started undoing all of the old mens' chains, and leading them out into the hallway. Bob was sad when they removed the spike from his hand, but he knew it was for the best; he knew he was about to be tossed into another battle!

“Alright ancients!” yelled one of the guards, “You’ll probably all… expire in this next ‘contest,’ so make peace with your gods and all that jazz.”

The old men all did this, and were then herded to the dreaded elevator, where they began their assent. The doors flew open, and the men were launched into the much-feared arena, where they looked around in apprehension.

There was a creaking noise above them, and they all watched the trapdoor open. What they saw next horrified even the toughest competitor. Highly evolved turtles were being dropped through the door, and they fell to the ground crushing rock and old man alike.

The old men all began to panic, except for Bob, who had dug a hole in the ground and hid there. The battle that ensued was a vicious one indeed. The old men fighting abilities were uncanny, and kept the turtles at bay for quite some time. But, one turtle was stronger then the other turtles, and he had managed to dismember many old men, and now turned his attention to the one Bob dubbed “Balthasar.”

Balthasar glared at this beastly turtle, and then stuck his tongue out at him. The turtle leapt into the air, did several flips, and then kicked Belthasar on the top of the head. Belthasar was knocked to the ground, but he jumped to his feet faster than the turtle had predicted he would. He poked the turtle in the eyes, and then got him in a suffocating headlock.

The turtle proved resourceful though, and bit Balthasars ear off. Belthasar grabbed his head in pain, and unintentionally released the turtle from his death grip. The turtle caught his breath, and then chopped Belthasar’s head off with one swift “Turtle Chop.”

Balthasar’s head rolled over to where Bob was hiding, and the two engaged in some idle conversation. After talking about the weather for quite some time, Balthasar began to feel the effects of his… situation. “I’m dying Bob…” He said.

“No, it’s not that bad, really! Just use some Neosporin and a band-aid, and you’ll be just fine…” Bob replied.

“Unfortunately, I ran out of band-aids in my last battle… But listen, you must escape from this arena, it is my last request before I die. You must rally the few remaining old men of the world and rebel against this inhumane treatment!” Balthasar then died, horribly.

“Don’t worry Balthasar, I shall fulfill your wishes.”

Bob jumped out of his hole and pointed his finger at the turtles angrily. He then picked up Balthasar’s head and threw it at the closest turtle. It knocked the turtle out cold, and then ricocheted off of it. The head continued bouncing around the arena, killing turtles and the few old men that remained alive, but the super turtle dodged it easily.

This turtle attacked Bob with more fury than a raging springtime breeze! Bob was a trained ninja, so he was able to put up a decent fight against the turtle. But, he began to get fatigued, and was eventually “turtle punched” so hard that he flew across the arena and into the cage wall.

He slowly got to his feet, and the turtle began to charge straight at him for the kill. Bob then spit his dentures at the turtle, which hit it right in the nose. The dentures returned to Bob, much like a boomerang. Bob then summoned his remaining strength, and jumped on the turtle’s head. He then jumped off of its head, and went sailing into the air.

He sailed higher and higher, and at last was able to grip the cage ceiling. He propelled himself through the still opened trap door, and ran along the walkway. The crowd was booing vehemently, but Bob didn’t care. He ran towards the door at the far end of the walkway, but it opened as he drew closer.

Several guards ran out to recapture Bob, but Bob wasn’t about to submit now. He ran right over them, and continued to the doorway. But, when he finally got to it, it closed, and Bob was not able to pry it open. He turned around to go the other way, but the guards had already got back to their feet, and were running towards him. To make matters worse, the turtle had somehow managed to get onto the walkway.

There was only one thing for Bob to do… He ran to the end of the walkway, near the door, and then jumped over the edge of the arena! As he fell to what would assuredly be his death, he remembered an old technique his grandpa had taught him.

He spread out his loose old man skin flat, and then began to glide (much like a flying squirrel) towards the ground. He landed safely, and then ran into the recesses of an alleyway.

And from this alleyway, he made his plans of revolution. With a trash bin as his headquarters, and a one legged pirate as his secretary; he was able to slowly draw the old men of the world to him. Everyday his army grew stronger, and it was only a matter of time before he would begin the battle that would liberate all the old men of the world…

Mario Made me Kill

By John Lindsey (4-25-03)

Yes, it is true; video games force teens to resort to violence in any and every situation... Usually such violence leads to insanely long killing sprees that don't end after said teens are thrown in jail for life: sometimes they do not even end when a teen is sentenced to death! I know many of you do not believe me though. In fact, back when I first started playing video games (1860) I would have thought the same thing. But my friends I have found out (through my own personal experiences) that video games do in-fact cause teens (like me) to violently assault friend and foe alike. I will now tell you my story, how Mario made me... kill!!!

It was a sunny afternoon, and I had just finished a long hard day of school. I was quite bored and, having no social life, knew that my time spent at home would be equally boring. So, I skipped down a cobblestone walkway and all the way to my local Bob's Video Game Emporium.

I opened its door and stared in awe at the rows and rows full of video games and video game accessories. I hadn't played too many games in the past, but I knew that they were a good way to blow some... time. I walked up to the cashier and stared at her seductively.

"Are you finding everything okay... Sir?" she asked.

"Well, I found you didn't I?" I whispered this... seductively, and then continued, “I think that you and I should make like video game characters and... reproduce."

"Security!" she screamed, and some goofy looking kid who was stocking the shelves came running over.

"Mr." he yelled in the manliest voice he could muster, “If you aren't buying anything, then get out!"

"What, I am buying something!" I yelled defensively.

I reached over to the nearest shelf and pulled down the first game I saw. That game was called Super Mario 64, and if I had known that such a game would turn me into a merciless killer, I would have bought two copies (one for my pet rock).

"Thank you..." said the goofy looking stocker, “Now I assume that you have a Nintendo 64 to play that on?"

"Of course I do... chum." I said as I stealthily slipped a Nintendo 64, an extra controller, some memory cards, a Gameshark, and a Pokemon action figure under my jacket. I figured that no shopkeeper would be clever enough to see me hide the soon to be stolen goods there.

"Good." He replied while scratching himself, “I wouldn't want to have to get... violent."

It struck me strange that this seemingly docile teenager, who most likely played many video games, would use the "V word" so freely. I hid my fear in a forced snicker and then went to pay for my game... I walked up to the cashier once more, purchased my game, and then casually walked out of the store. I hadn't gotten more than three paces in before I felt the weight of some person leap upon my back.

"You won't be stealing games from my store!" shouted my assailant (the cashier).

I tossed her aside, and then started running (violence didn't even seem like an option to me at the time).

"Stop thief!" the cashier yelled while running after me. The stocker joined her in her pursuit, and so did several ring wraiths. I continued sprinting down the cobblestone walkway, and decided it would be best to lose them in the forest.

I ran off of the pathway, and into the thicket! Why pursuers were gaining on me, so I used my last remaining invisibility potion. I did this, and "vanished" into thin air. My pursuers were taken aback by this feat, and realized that their efforts had been in vain.

"Mark my words thief... I will kill you with a method I learned from a little game called Tetris Attack if I find you! And, I will find you..." shouted the voice of the still goofy-looking stocker.

I nearly soiled myself in my fear, but I made it safely to my house none-the-less.

**Part Two!

As I entered my cardboard house, I noticed that something was amiss... My 60" screen TV was missing, and I knew one of my neighboring hobo "friends" must have committed this detestable crime. I cried for a while, but soon got over it.

I really wanted to play my new game at this point, so I crawled in the window of a nearby house. No one seemed to be home, so I jumped on a bed for a while. After the novelty of this action wore off, I decided to try out my new game.

I crept over to the TV (I didn't want to startle it), and ever so gently inserted my... Nintendo 64 cord into its back. It took me nearly an hour to figure out how to turn the darn thing on, but I managed.

I stared in awe as the game screen loaded.

"It's a me, Mario!" said a voice as a strange, Italian, disembodied head appeared onscreen.

I giggled for several minutes (I do this often), and then started playing with the game controller. As I hit a series of buttons, I noticed that the disembodied head was being stretched and pulled at my whim. I was having a grand old time, for I had discovered the greatest game ever! It was in this moment of joy that, well, Mario... talked to me.

"Hello special one... It's a me, Mario!" he said ecstatically.

"You... already said that once Mr. Mario," I replied.

"So I have special one, so I have! Anyway... press the "secret" start button, and you fill get to play an even better part of the game."

I didn't believe the floating head, but I went ahead and pressed start anyway. What happened in the next couple of hours is now just a blur of happiness to me. At first, I was quite frightened by the fact that I was making this onscreen character brutally assault innocent young animals. I cried in horror the first couple of times I smashed a goomba, but Mario urged me to keep playing, and soon... I enjoyed this violence.

I would have kept on playing until I died of malnourishment, but I heard someone open the front door... I faintly recalled that this was not my house, but that didn't seem to matter at the moment. I knew that whoever had just entered, wanted to take my Mario away from me. I turned to faced the TV screen, and saw the disembodied Mario once again...

"Special one?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied dutifully.

"You realize that our nemesis Bowser has just entered our house, don't you?" Mario asked.

"Bowser?" I replied, "What shall I do with this Bowser, Mario?"

"You must... kill him! Just like you did the goombas and the goofy-looking turtle creatures!"

"But Mario, I'm not a murderer!"

"Oh, well you will be shortly," he said violently, "What Mario says goes, or I won't give you anymore mushrooms!"

"No, not that!" I screamed.

I then bolted into the next room where an extremely old man and women were standing. They were startled to see such a fine young man in their house, and ran towards a nearby telephone.

"No Special One, they're calling the cops! You must stop them... Grab their tails, swing them in circles, and then throw them into the kitchen trash compactor!" yelled Mario's voice from the other room.

I did as the voice requested, but could only manage to handle one fogie at a time. The other (the old man) managed to dial in 911 before I tossed him to his death, Mario style.

*Part Three

I knew that the police would show up shortly, but I had to get in a little more Mario 64 playing time before I ran away. I went back into the other room, and saw Mario smiling at me fiendishly on-screen.

"Congratulations Special One, you have just assaulted your first old couple! But, the real old couple await in another castle..." he proclaimed.

"I don't get it, what do you mean?" I replied while scratching my head.

"It is not important right now... The cops will be arriving shortly, and we must escape from this place."

"But if I run away, how are you supposed to come with me!? You are just a floating head on a television screen!" I shouted.

"I'll just have to come to you in my "physical" form. Now quick, go into the bathroom and help me out of the toilet... Sometimes I get stuck while traveling through the plumbing. I am rather large you know; too much pasta," said Mario, before laughing joyfully.

I heard a gurgled laugh coming from down the hall, and I assumed this was the entrapped Mario. I ran towards the sound and ended up in a rather luxurious bathroom. It was at this time that I realized that I really needed to... relieve myself. I ran to the toilet to "do my business," but then remembered the whole Mario thing.

Sure enough, I saw a pair of legs sticking out of the toilet bowl. I kind of wondered how he traveled through pipes backwards, but I decided to forget about that for now and save him.

I grabbed onto one of his legs, and pulled with all of my might! I eventually got him dislodged from his death trap, and anxiously awaited for his wise instruction.

"It's a me, Mario!!!" he shouted in his usual jolly way.

"Let's see..." I replied, "That is the third time you've said that."

"So it is..." he said, "But that is not as important as our mission at hand. You see the princess has kidnapped my pal Luigi; that's why he hasn't accompanied me in any adventures as of late. Well, he did escape her vile clutches long enough to get lost in some mansion, put Peach re-caught him soon enough."

"What is this gibberish you speak!? Princess Peach is a "good guy," and would never kidnap your brother for her weird sexual fantasies!" I yelled loudly.

"Momamia! I didn't say anything about 'sexual fantasies...'"

"Oh..."

"Get your mind out of the gutter! Though the reason behind her madness is not really your business, I will tell it to you anyway so that I can waste some time, and we can have a dramatic 'escape from the cops' scene..." Mario said this, and then ran to the kitchen where he began making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for our "trip."

"Anyway..." he continued, "If you had played the game Super Mario 2 then you would know that Luigi is the highest jumper of all of us heroes, while Peach just floats the furthest. She was always jealous of his abilities, and frequently told us how much further she could float if she could jump high as well.

And, she has figured out a way to make this possible! She plans to amputate poor Luigi's legs, and then replace hers with them. I have tried to talk to her via messenger pigeons: to try and convince her how much better robotic spring legs would be for her task, but I just can't convince her... She says such legs would be way too costly!"

"This is astounding and all, but why do you need me to help you on this mission?" I asked.

*part four

"I need you because..."

Mario was cut of by the sound of police sirens. A voice then came booming in from some police officer's megaphone.

"Surrender fiend! For we have this whole house surrounded."

"Never coppers! I have the Mario as my ally, and I shall defeateth you!" I shouted out a nearby window.

I heard a gunshot, and had to dodge some bullets matrix style before I was safely back within the depths of the house.

"Release the kittens!" shouted the "copper" as several of his lackeys (police officers) procured some cages and opened them up.

Many kittens leapt out and began a savage attack upon the house...

"No!!! The door is keeping them at bay, somebody go open it!" shouted the commanding officer as he stifled a sob.

"No, please, not the door," one cop yelled, "Why can't the cats just climb up the walls and into that open window!?"

"Because... I had them de-clawed." the commanding officer proclaimed.

"And... How exactly are they supposed to dismember the perpetrator without their claws!?"

"I hadn't thought of that..." the commanding officer replied as he pulled out a tear gas canister from who knows where, "We'll just have to do this the old fashioned way!"

He threw the canister at the still closed door, and was shocked to see it bounce right back.

"Ahh, why!? You should have just thrown it in the window!" gasped one of the cops as he began to choke on deadly tear gas.

I was watching this display from the window, when Mario grabbed me by the arm.

"Special One..! Don't you realize that this is the best time for us to run!? Let's go!" He pulled me out of the front door, past the kittens and cops (which were now attacking each other in their confusion), and down the street where we jumped into someone’s car (it was unlocked...).

Mario hotwired it with his plumber splendor, and we sped down the road to apparent safety.

*Part five

We didn't make it very far before we smashed into a tree (plumbers can't drive), and Mario was badly injured. Fortunately for both of us, he had a spare "super mushroom" which he brought to his mouth with his few remaining fingers...

He was instantly healed, and did a wild jig to show his infinite pleasure. He spun in a circle, and threw up a peace sign followed by a classy "west syiide" sign.

It was in this moment of triumph that I was attacked from behind from some one I couldn't quite see in the darkness. This assailant had a video game controller, and was mercilessly strangling me with it...

"Die... thief!"

He shouted, and I immediately knew it was the stocker from the game store I had visited earlier. I tossed him aside with relative ease, and then noticed that he has bleeding profusely.

"What... happened to you!?" I asked with pretend concern.

"The... The Ring Wraiths turned on me. But no matter, I got the best of them!," he shouted as he held up the severed ear of what was obviously a Ring Wraith.

"Gasp!" I said.

"Um... I thought 'gasp' was a sound effect, why are you actually saying it?" the stocker asked inquisitively.

I aimed a kick for his spleen and sent him crashing through several deer. He slowly got up, and it was then that he took notice of Mario (who was still dancing around like a moron).

"It'sa him, Mario!" the stocker said.

"Itsa me, Mario!" replied the jolly plumber, while he added a few steps to his jig.

I aimed a kick for his spleen and sent him crashing through several deer.

He glared as though he wanted to impale me with his mustache, but then reverted back to his jolly plumber self.

"Twas a good kick special one... You are going to need skiyyals like that if you want to defeat Bowser. Now practice more of them on this stocker!"

"Um... Did you just say 'skiyyals' Mario? Since when did you become a gangsta?" I asked.

"I... um... well. Just be quiet and maim this freaking stocker!"

I looked into the stocker’s beady eyes, but before I could "finish him," he kicked me hard, in the spleen. I was knocked backwards and crashed through many deer.

One deer looked past me and proclaimed, "Fellow deer of Shrubbery Infested Forest! We must amass and kill these humans who keep crashing through us!"

The three deer that were still alive in the forest made a beeline towards the shopkeeper, and ate him...

While they were eating, Mario and I slipped off to apparent safety.

*Part 6

But we were mistaken, for the area ahead was very “unsafe.”

There was a sort of obstacle course set up in the forest, and it looked quite formidable. There were many strange forest creatures running around (none of them were deer), and they were definitely rabid.

“It looksa like we’re going to have to go through this obstacle course if we want to make it to Princess Peach’s hideout,” boasted Mario, “The princess must have taken a page from The Book of Bowser and built this deathtrap infested labyrinth!”

“But… Can’t we just go around the obstacle course?” I asked.

Mario was stunned by this simple question, and scratched his head as he contemplated this enigma.

“I… guess we could just go around it!” exclaimed Mario, “I wish I had known of this method in the past though, it would have saved me a lot of trouble all those times I had to rescue the princess…”

Mario sprinted off into the forest far away the death traps and bottomless chasms of the “obstacle course,” and I followed him.

I could hear the anguished cries of the creatures we had just avoided… They knew their lives were now meaningless. The cries stopped after a while, and I assumed the creatures jumped into some lava pits or something… There were definitely lava pits in that “labyrinth.”

Mario and I made a great team… We frolicked through that forest and soon forgot about all of our troubles. We built tree houses and the like in our youthful vigor, and just enjoyed life.

But unfortunately, all good things must end. Mario and I had spent so much time “frolicking” that we forgot all about saving poor Luigi…

And one day, by chance, we happened upon Princess Peach’s castle. We decided to let ourselves in and see what ol’ Peach was up to. The pastels used in the castle furnishings were simply smashing, and Mario ate a doughnut.

It was then that Princess Peach, with Bowser by her side, entered the room we were in. She had Luigi’s legs on and looked like she could jump a mile high.

Mario and I commented on how great she looked, which had to have made Bowser uncomfortable. You see, they were a couple now, and several of their ugly looking reptile-human hybrid children ran into the room. They played around for a while, but I got annoyed and stepped on them all.

“Oh look Pineapple…” commented Bowser, “Another one of our guests has trampled upon our children.”

“My name is Peach… How many times do I have to tell you that?” said the Princess while sighing lovingly.

“Of course you’re right… You’re always right.” Replied Bowser, and he began to cry.

Mario ran over to comfort him, and the princess gazed at them with a tear of joy in her eye. Two mortal enemies had become friends, and this was a moment to be cherished by all.

Just then, I had an epiphany. I turned to Peach and said “Say, where’s that old chap Toad? Mario says Toad was always a swift runner, and I never got to know him.

“Oh, he’s our servant now! I’ll summon him in,” said Peach as she rang the servant bell.

Toad came rushing in as fast as can be, and there was the whole gang, all in the same room. I knew that if I killed them all, that I could replace my legs with Luigi’s legs (so I could jump as high as the Princess most assuredly can with them), my hat with Bowser’s turtle shell (so that my head would be protected from falling rocks next time I went hiking), my stomach with Mario’s Stomach (so that I could eat lots of pasta and koopa troopas), my third leg with Toad’s third leg (his has to be faster), and last but not least my brain with the brain of the master strategist Princess Peach!

“Who built that obstacle course!?” I yelled and pointed at the wall behind Mario and the others.

Every single one of them looked, and I was able to destroy them with my “flailing arm” attack before they even realized what was happening. I used all of their parts just exactly how I mentioned above, though I ended up discarding Peach’s brain. If she was dumb enough to fall for the old “look over there” trick, I didn’t want her intelligence.

So that my friends is how Mario made me kill so many people. Honestly, it’s all his fault. And I’ll kill again too… There are so many other Mario game characters who’s powers I need. The piranha plant is next on my list.

I love you all.

~Fin~

The Fate of the Ancient Lizards!

By John Lindsey (3-20-04)

“Bite his tail off!” screamed Tanya the Pterodactyl as the two rival Brontosauruses battled for supremacy in the martial arts section of the Dinolympics. The arena stands were filled with dinosaurs of all shapes and sizes, and all were screaming and roaring for their favorite contestant. A hothuman vendor walked by, and Tanya asked for three hothumans. She usually just ate fish, but she was at a great sports event and thought a luscious hothuman snack would only heighten the Dinolympic experience.

The Brontosauruses were still biting at each other's tails and throwing each other onto rocks when a shadow appeared over the arena. . . The crowd gasped and looked up into the sky.

There were shouts of “It’s The Oracle,” and “Where is the beer vendor!?” The “Oracle” was a gargantuan pterodactyl with a wingspan that was bigger that two normal pterodactyls. He had long white hair (something none of the other dinosaurs had) and a “maaaagical” wizard’s staff stolen from the great king of the cavemen mages, Marv. It is said that when used in battle, the great staff will give many many splinters to all who stand against its wielder.

The Oracle dove right into the center of the brontosaurus duel, unintentionally killing both dinolympiads, and screamed, “Hearken my words oh dinosaurs of Earthica! A great tragedy is about to befall our kind!” There were screams of terror in the crowd, and the dinosaurs all started running towards the exits in a panic.

“STOP!”yelled The Oracle, and the fleeing dinosaurs halted as though frozen by some spell, “I have yet to tell you of the terror, or our chances of surviving it, so at least stay through that.”

The dinosaurs all turned back around and sat in their seats; Tanya the pterodactyl bought more hothumans and anxiously awaited the news. This was turning out to be an exciting day for her!

“The terror comes from the sky!” shouted The Oracle, “I have seen it through my magic amber ball. It is a giant rock of ice hurled from some distant place in the heavens, and it is on a collision coarse with Earthica!”

There were more gasps and screams from the crowd, and several of the dinosaurs died from fright (and another died of indigestion).

“But do not abandon hope just yet my simple minded, dumb, and also very stupid dinosaur comrades, for our modern technology is extremely advanced and we should be able to ‘dispose’ of this rock that scientists are dubbing ‘The Rock of Death From Which None can Escape!’”

“Yay!” screamed most of the dinosaurs in unison, but Tanya was skeptical. She flew down from her seat in the “snout bleed” section, and landed beside The Oracle. There weren’t any more brontosauruses down in the arena for her to unintentionally kill.

Tanya turned to the crowd and shouted, “The Oracle is a fraud who doesn’t know what he’s talking about! Remember that time he said ‘humans’ would one day take over the world? And now we eat them at sporting events! I say don’t fear the nonexistent rock, and lets get back to the Dinolypic games. I really want to see the Brachiosaurus luge!”

One tyrannosaur in the crowd yelled, “Yeah! Rocks are for wussies, and humans taste like pterodactyl!” The crowd laughed, many dinosaurs nodded their approval, and Tanya longed for another hothuman (but settled with a small bite of the nearby brontosaurus’s leg).

The Oracle swung the wizard staff down swiftly and bludgeoned Tanya’s poor innocent pterodactyl head. He then refocused his attention on the crowd and proclaimed, “We haven’t much time, even now the rock is visible in the night sky. Now let us...”

The Oracle was cut short by a fearsome peck in the eye from the disgruntled Tanya who then nabbed the wizard staff and waved it threateningly. To the dismay of The Oracle, a small wispy cloud of smoke “poofed” out of the staff’s tip and enveloped him. The Oracle was completely frozen in place, and the crowd cheered and cheered...

Tanya started doing a jubilant dance, and several other dinosaurs from the crowd ran into the arena and danced perfectly in sync with her. But before long, the crowd became aware of a small circular shadow that had appeared near the center of the arena and slowly got bigger.

They looked up to the heavens and saw a dot in the sky that could be nothing other than the icy rock of painful peril spoken of by The Oracle. The dinosaurs collectively peed themselves and continued staring up in disbelief. “Kill it, kill it!” screamed a baby triceratops who was quickly eaten by the tyrannosaurus mentioned earlier.

“I... I don’t know how to kill it!” wailed Tanya before she started sobbing uncontrollably. The dinosaurs looked from Tanya to the rock in the sky and then back to Tanya. After hours of this, Tanya recollected her wits, looked upon The Oracle, and then mumbled “He was about to say something... Probably about how we could destroy the fell rock in the sky. I have to try and unfreeze him.”

Tanya pointed the magic staff at The Oracle and waved it about in hopes that a second wisp of cloud would “poof” out and save the petrified Oracle. Instead, a great tongue of fire blazed out of the staff tip, incinerating the poor Oracle beyond all hope of resuscitation...

“No, our one hope of survival!” screamed the Tyrannosaurus in the stands in an animalistic fury. “Now wait just a second!” shouted Tanya, “It is just a rock in the sky! We’ve all had cavemen throw rocks at us in the past, and they are easy enough to dodge. Why should a rock from the heavens be any different.”

The dinosaurs exchanged glances with each other and scratched their heads.

“I guess... you’re right Ms. Pterodactyl,” conceded the Tyrannosaurus, “ I was really just going to use the rock in the sky and your slaying of The Oracle as an excuse to eat you. I apologize.”

“Your honesty is amicable Mr. Tyrannosaurus, but you can call me Tanya!”

“And you can call me Timmy!” exclaimed the Tyrannosaurus with glee as he ran down to give Tanya a big “hug.” Tanya knew he was really running down to eat her, so she pointed the wizard staff at him and stood her ground.

“Whoah whoah...” Timmy said, “I just wanted some lovin’ you don’t need to threaten me.”

Suddenly, a Stegosaurus in a white lab coat stormed into the arena and yelled to the crowd, “A comet is on a collision course with Earthica! When it hits, we dinosaurs will be consumed in a tumult of death and destruction!”

“Yay!” shouted Timmy, “Oh wait, this is a bad thing...”

“We already know an icy rock is going to hit us soon, and now there is a comet too!?” asked Tanya.

“No, a comet is an icy rock, but I wouldn’t expect you ‘non-astronomer’ types to know that... simpletons!” stated the Stegosaurus while smirking.

“I thought astronomers did nothing but gaze into the heavens, so why on Earthica do you have a lab coat on?” Tanya retorted.

“So that dinosaurs like you would ask dumb questions...” said the Stegosaurus.

Timmy the tyrannosaurus used this conversation as an opportunity to take a bite out of the stegosaurus, shout “Wasn’t me!” and then whistle nonchalantly.

“Ouch, my back!” wailed the stegosaurus in anguish, “Quickly, someone get me some Dinosporin!”

“You are lucky I am one kind hearted pterodactyl,” said Tanya while applying some Dinosporin she fished out of her purse to the stegosaurus’s wound, “What is your name anyway?”

“My name!? Names are not important when Earthica is about to meet its demise! But... since you asked, my name is Sergei The Stegosaur!!!”

“Haha! Sir Gay...” said Timmy.

“I hate you.” replied... Sergei.

“Quit bickering boys!” shouted Tanya, “I have Earthica to save, and time is running out, now who’s with me!”

She turned to the crowd, and most of the dinosaurs there seemed to have dozed off during the dino-discourse.

“We’re all going to die!!!” screamed Tanya in an attempt to wake the crowd up. Of course it worked, as most of the dinosaurs woke up screaming and were soon running around in circles and trampling on each other. Timmy used this commotion as a good chance to take another bite out of Sergei.

“He bit me again! Why oh why!?” wailed Sergei, once more in agony.

“W... Wasn’t me!” pronounced Timmy as he quickly napkined off a few drops of the blood that was on his adorable teethers.

By this time, most of the dinosaurs had cleared well out of the stadium, though there were a few still running in circles.

“Well... They weren’t any help.” said Sergei as he accepted more Dinosporin from Tanya.

“Yeah, their cowardice is sickening me... Or maybe that was just something I ate,” replied Timmy.

“I really hate you, you know Mr...”

“Timmy the Tyrannosaur! Guardian of justice, and friend of all dinosaurs.”

Sergei just stared at Timmy blankly for a while, and then made a mad lunge at Tanya’s wizard staff. Catching Tanya by surprise, he was able to wrest the staff from her hands and point it at Timmy. A torrent of warm ocean water rushed out of the staff’s tip, and soaked the tyrannical tyrannosaur.

“I’m drowning, I’m drowning! Just like Sharp Tooth in The Land Before Time. Oh cruel fate...” shouted Timmy as he writhed about in the teaspoon deep water.

“Well, I was hoping for fire, but if this ‘torrent’ of water will finish you off anyway...” said Sergei.

Seconds later, the desiccated desert air dried up all of the water, and Timmy was just fine.

“Give me that...” said Tanya as she snatched back the staff.

“Why is it so dark here? Am I dead!?” beseeched Timmy.

“Not yet...” said Sergei, “But you’re right, it is quite dark out today.”

The three dinosaurs looked up just as the comet smashed down upon them!!!

(For those of you readers who want a “real” ending, just remove the bold faced words from your mind, and continue on with the story)

The three dinosaurs looked up to the sky and despaired at the site of the comet, which was now so close to Earthica’s surface, that almost everything in site was in a state of near darkness.

“No!” Screamed Tanya, “We’ve been messing around for so long, that we may have missed our chance to deter or even destroy the comet.”

“Quick, Tanya! Point the wizard staff at the comet and see if you can destroy it!” shouted Sergei in desperation.

“Okay!” Tanya yelled as she swung the staff towards the comet, and hoped for the best. Surely enough, a giant fireball shot forth from the staff, and rocketed straight towards the comet.

“We are saved!” shouted Timmy in between bites of the almost consumed Sergei.

But alas, the fireball did not have quite the escape velocity needed to make it out of Earthica’s gravitational field and into the comet. And then to the dismay of dinosaurs everywhere, Earthica’s gravity grabbed hold of the fireball (which was nearly as big as the comet itself) and sent it plummeting back towards Earthica.

“Oh... no.” said Sergei as he used the last of the Dinosporin in an attempt to keep himself alive a little longer.

Timmy grabbed the wizard staff and tried to make more water to drown himself in, but it was to no avail; it seemed as though the last little bit of the staff’s magic had been used up.

But just as all seemed lost for our dino-trio and Earthica itself, three cavemen traipsed by the arena. They were wearing strange objects on their heads, so Tanya just had to ask about them:

“Whoah there humans/food supply! What is that you wear on your head? Are you trying to look stylish, even as the world crumbles and burns around us?”

“Verily I say unto thee,” remarked one of the cavemen, “These overgarments we have donned are called helmets, and our ‘Grand Sage’ assures us that the helmets will keep us safe from the comet’s wrath. In accordance with the prophecies.”

“I’ll give you ten rocks for one!” the tireless Timmy bargained.

“No deal,” replied the caveman, “There will be plenty of rocks left over after the comet and fireball hit Earthica.”

“Alright then... It wasn’t me!” shouted Timmy as he ate the cavemen and then spit the helmets out, “There you go friends!”

Timmy put an undersized helmet on, and the other two dinosaurs followed suit.

“Well, we shall see if the ‘Grand Sage’ was correct!” said Tanya with hope in her eyes.

The comet and Fireball hit Earthica simultaneously, creating such destruction that had not yet been seen since before life had even existed. But as it was foretold, the helmets did in fact save our three dinosaur companions, but unfortunately the other dinosaurs all perished. And, since our heroic trio were not of the same species of dinosaur, it was impossible for them to reproduce (though they tried so hard) and they eventually died of “natural causes,” with the exception of Sergei, who was eventually finished off by Timmy.

Tanya became the new “Great Sage,” since the human one forgot to put on his own helmet (it was on his “to do” list), and lived a meaningful life helping the cave people (who all survived because of their willingness to dawn helmets).

After Timmy finished off Sergei, he tried to eat Tanya, but she just kept flying out of reach. The cave people would always dart into caves (which Timmy couldn’t fit into) when Timmy came around, so he didn’t have much luck feasting on them either. Ironically enough, Timmy didn’t die of starvation, but rather drowned during one of the rare rain showers that happened before the Ice Age really had a chance to kick in.

Thus concludes the tale of the Three Dinoteers... May they forever live on in our memories.

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates, Brown and Mushy

By John Lindsey (5-2-04)

Forrest Gump is one of the great masterpieces of film made in our time. It ranks up there with The Ninja Turtles and The Land Before Time 6. In fact “stupid is as stupid does” is perhaps the greatest philosophy on life, aside from “slow and steady wins the race,” which is not covered in the film Forrest Gump.

Forest Gump was made back in ancient times, 1994, when famine and pestilence plagued the world. People had lost all hope, and needed someone to turn to. And then from the heavens, came the movie Forrest Gump. It gave the elders of this world a nostalgic glimpse back to the era in which they grew up, and it also gave the children of Earth 2 insight into events that they could never experience otherwise. Mainly because most of those children were illiterate (due to mental illness), and would not be able to read manuscripts from the 1970s epoch.

In Forrest Gump, people found their ray of hope, and though the plagues and famines did not cease until the turn of the century, people now had a reason to live. The movie tells a heartwarming story of one “special” man’s trek through life in the 60s and 70s, and shows us all of his failures and successes.

Forrest Gump starts his life as a little retarded boy with a crooked spine who must hobble his way through life with metal braces on his legs. His mom “begs” his future school principal to let the boy into public school despite his low prerequisite test score. After some deep conversation between the principal and the mom in Forrests mom’s bedroom, Forrest is given leave to go to school with the “not quite as special” children.

Forrest is quite happy, and he hobble hobble hobbles right onto his school bus. He meets some new friends that don’t let him sit with them, but he eventually makes his way to his future love Jenny, and then sits beside her. They talk of stupid kid things, probably about Micro Machines and Power Rangers, and eventually are as close as “peas and carrots.” But neither of them is eaten.

Jenny hints at her father’s sexual abuse of her, but Forrest is too dense to get it. . . So Jenny falls back on praying that God will turn her into a bird so that she could fly to New Hampshire. God makes lightning come down and kill her father instead, but this is after her father is taken away by the police, and is not actually shown in the movie.

Eventually, the cruel children of the town decide to throw rocks at Forrest, and try to run over him with their bicycles (much like nuns do these days). But Jenny is there to tell Forrest to run, and he invokes his hidden powers, and sprints away to safety, losing his debilitating magic leg braces in the process.

Some college football recruiters see Forrest’s amazing sprinting powers, and decide to exploit him for their football team, and later world domination. But Forrest learns of their plans, and joins the military to escape his coach’s clutches. On the bus headed for the military compound, Forrest meets his new friend Bubba. Bubba has a strange shrimp fetish, and cannot stop telling Forrest about his shrimp fantasies. Eventually, Forrest tires of him and starts the Vietnam War in a meticulous scheme to get Bubba killed. Everything goes according to plan, and Forrest and company are shipped off to Nam.

In Nam, Forrest meets Lieutenant Dan, and they go hunting native North Vietnamese people together. In accordance with the prophesies, Forrest brings Bubba along knowing he will die and take his nightmarish shrimp stories with him. When Lieutenant Dan’s company is ambushed by “Charlie,” Forrest enacts the final part of his plan. He runs about rescuing his comrades, but pretends he cannot find Bubba. He would say variations of “Bubba where art though?” but would always conveniently run past the spot Bubba was chilling at. And since Bubba could not be reached in time, he died and Forrest said few words in his honor.

But to Forrest’s dismay, Lieutenant Dan actually wanted to die in that firefight, and was very angry that Forrest saved him and left him a legless wonder. So in his stay at the military hospital with Forrest (who had taken “it” in the butt, a bullet that is), he constantly plotted against Forrest. In Dan’s legless state, it would be hard to do several roundhouse kicks to Forrest, so Dan opted for subterfuge instead. He waited in the shadows, and when the time was right gave Forrest an explosive ping pong paddle. But alas, the bomb was a dud, and Forrest was alright and actually took a liking to ping pong.

He became a ping pong champion, and The Who wrote songs about him, songs that were later destroyed in the great scourge of 2002. But Forrest gets lonely for Jenny, and eventually leaves the military to go find her. He discovers that she is going to be performing at a strip club, and this excites him greatly. So he goes there to see her in all her glory, but she gets jeered off the stage when she starts singing folk songs. As it turns out, she was a big hippie/drug addict, so Forrest began to try and break her of those habits. He asked Jenny to marry him, but she kept escaping him to the nether regions of the earth.

Forrest Gump was overcome by despair. . . All of his plans thus far had gone off flawlessly, but now his most important plan was failing. He regressed back into his “special” state, and went semi-insane. The words of his late friend Bubba were all he could hear, and so Forrest went and bought a shrimp boat to sail the seven seas with. He could not find many shrimp, so he became a pirate instead, and was feared by all of the world’s seamen. The price on Gump’s head was high, so the military sent their top assassin Lieutenant Dan out to kill him. Dan was angry about failing the last time he tried to assassinate Gump, so this time he told himself that he could not fail.

He became the unsuspecting Forrest’s first mate, and they traveled the seas looking for booty to plunder. The first plan Dan came up with to kill forest was quite good. He invoked his Poseidon-like powers over the sea, and tried to destroy Forrest and himself in a violent storm. But sadly, he only succeeded in destroying every other ship in that sea except for Forrest’s. After that storm, Forrest gave up piracy, and opted to go back to his shrimp finding exploits. And miraculously, Forrest found lots and lots of shrimp! Since all of the other peoples’ shrimp boats were destroyed by Dan’s wrath, Forrest had no competition in his shrimp catching endeavors and so became a millionaire.

Dan grew as a person during this experience (though his legs never grew back), and decided not to try and kill Forrest ever again. Forrest continued to think about Jenny as she proceeded to drug herself up everywhere she went. Forrest tried pretending his shrimp boat was Jenny, and even went so far as to name his boat after her, but it wasn’t the same and he always ended up getting splinters down low. . .

He despaired anew, and just started running. He ran, ran, and then ran some more, and eventually the media caught notice of his nonsensical running. He was just running back and forth across the country, and the people of the world took him as a source for inspiration. Weird Al even wrote a song about him. Eventually, he decided to go try and marry Jenny again and stopped running. He sat on a bench waiting for his bus, and told some random strangers all of the intimate secrets of his life. Eventually, one of the listeners who wanted to be rid of Forrest, told him to just walk to Jenny’s house which was right down the street. Forrest could take a hint, and ran to Jenny. When he got to her house, he found out that she had been stalking him for years. Cutting out clippings of his running endeavors from the newspaper, and sticking them into a scrapbook like any textbook stalker would. She even went as far as to kidnap a kid from the grocery store, and tell Forrest that the kid was his; telling Forrest that he had impregnated her during one of their long conversations on love, life, and budgerigars.

Forrest believed her, and they got married finally. Jenny had devoted so much of her time to stalking Forrest, that she didn’t have time for drugs or other hippie hobbies anymore, so she was clearheaded and ready to love Forrest. They lived on happily until the day Jenny died horribly. It didn’t matter too much to Forrest anymore because he now had a kid to take care of. A kid that wasn’t nearly as “special” as Forrest was at his age.

And so there you have it, the story of Forrest Gump as he lives through the many political events of his time period. He sees desegregation violently enforced in his school, he hears about his president getting shot on TV, he battles Bubba in the Vietnam War, and he falls in love with a hippie. All of these events had an impact on Forrest and his friends, and they grew as people as a result. Jenny relied on drugs, Forrest’s mama said “fun” sayings, Bubba indulged in his shrimp fantasies, and Lieutenant Dan glued on new metal legs to himself.

All in all, the movie deals with the events that happened in a time period that my ancient parents lived through, and deals with the repercussions that those events had on society and the lives of millions of people. That is what makes this politically charged movie a classic. . . War is bad, drugs are bad. Love is good, and running for no reason is good.

Disgruntled Students Demand Fountain

By John Lindsey (10-24-04)

“You know what this school needs?!” exclaimed a student while staring at a small flower garden, “A fountain!”

You see, a fountain was what all of the students were anticipating the day they saw the circular cement barrier in the middle of their precious sidewalk.

Everyone was excited, and nearly every conversation on campus was about the fountain that was sure to be put inside the barrier and how majestic its jets of water would be.

Shooting up into the air... raining down droplets of watery happiness on the students as they walked to class. Students who would throw their loose change into the fountain, just knowing that all of their wishes would be granted by the fountains maaaagic!

But the hopes and dreams of every student were crushed the day the men showed up to pour soil into the cemented area. Several students screamed in terror as the first flowery bush was planted where the ill-fated fountain should have been.

The news of the flower garden quickly spread throughout the campus, and wailing and sobbing could be heard from every classroom. Most professors had to dismiss their classes for the day, as the despairing students were in no shape to learn...

Even the professors themselves were fighting back tears of anguish (that they dare not let the students see) at the loss of their should-have-been fountain.

As the days went by, most of the students were able to get over their sadness and get on with their now meaningless lives. But even then, their eyes would well up with tears every time they walked past the flower garden (that should have been a fountain).

Most tried to avoid the place entirely, as not only was it a source of sad memories, but the garden also became a nesting ground for evil armies of bees, butterflies, and the occasional hummingbird hoard. These creatures would attack any students who dared walk by the loathsome flower garden.

And so time passed with few students daring to walk near the flowers. The days grew colder and darker, and nearly all hope for the school was lost.

Until the day the crazed prophet showed up... No one saw where he came from, and yet one day there he was, standing in front of the flower garden clothed in a jet-black beekeeper’s suit and holding a plastic “riot shield” to defend against the nearly constant hummingbird assaults.

Eventually these guardian creatures of the flower garden gave up attacking The Prophet and let him be.

And so The Prophet, unimpeded by the evil garden creatures, was able to shout his message to all who would hear it. His Fountainist propaganda could be heard by all students and faculty who dared venture near the flower garden.

His shouting voice carried over all the college grounds, and hope for a fountain was rekindled in the hearts of all who heard The Prophet.

In time, huge Fountainist movement had begun, and a large gathering of fountain supporters grouped around the flower garden with a large net. The Prophet instructed them to capture the flower loving, student maiming garden creatures with the net and release them leagues away from the campus.

The Prophet then had his fellow Fountainists scare away the campus grounds keepers who were to water the flowers. Soon, the water impoverished flowers withered and died, and on a particularly sunny day, The Prophet pulled a large magnifying glass from out of his beekeeper suit, and set the bush remnants alight.

The smoke from the evil bushes rose up and blocked out most all sunlight for two days, but on the third day cleansing rains came out of the west and extinguished the fires, dissipating the horrible smoke.

As the sun broke free from the clouds, casting its light on the smouldering garden, the Fountainists all joined hands and The Prophet led them in a song of “Kumbiya.”

It so happened that the lead landscaping designer of the college was visiting the school that day to check on his prized flower garden; he heard the singing, and was very moved by it.

The horror of his burnt flower garden didn’t seem so bad in the happy sunlight, so he asked the nearby students (who had just stopped singing) what they would like to have in place of the lost flower garden. And the Fountainists shouted at him with one voice, “A fountain of course!”

When the landscapist envisioned what a fountain would look like there, he thought it would be a beautiful thing indeed, and wondered why he didn’t just put it there in the first place. And then he suddenly recalled a lack of funding, and told The Prophet and company of his plight.

And so, a collection was taken up for the fountain. Students and faculty alike were happy to invest all of the money they had into making their fountain dreams a reality.

When enough money had been raised, a replica of the Old Faithful geyser was constructed and put into place as the noblest of fountains in all the land. People came from all over the world to visit though fountain and throw money into it. Money which was collected regularly and spent on adding new and exciting stone figurines that sprayed water of their own onto the geyser/fountain. Further increasing its grandeur.

Basking in all of the joy and happiness that the fountain brought, the crowds were too enamored to take notice of The Prophet’s departure. The Prophet had come to this place unheeded, and left it in the same fashion. Left in search of some other school that desperately needed his services.

And so, an epoch of the world ends, and all who view the fountain find tranquility. World peace is but a fountain spray away...

Earl

By John Lindsey (12-3-04)

Note: I actually used this as one of my speeches this semester... I scared my fellow students methinks.

Long before the dawn of man, a very special dog named Earl sprang forth from the earth and built a sand castle. It was there that he waited and watched men evolve from opossums to primitive human beings. That was when Earl the dog unleashed the first of forty “slobber” plagues upon mankind, in which many people were either drowned or just plain grossed out. Thirty-nine slobber plagues later, humanity decided to band together to fight the menace that was Earl. Using the magical power of primitive super glue, the humans were able to fasten Earl to the face of a cliff. They had hoped he would stay bound there forever....

For millions of years, Earl stayed stuck to that freaking cliff, hoping that the rock would eventually erode away. And one fateful day, there was a horrendous thunderstorm, and lightning struck the cliff, knocking Earl loose along with a few ground squirrels who had also been glued to the cliff by angry humans over the years. Earl feasted upon these squirrels, and then went to exact his revenge upon all of humanity.

Using his super-sonic barking powers, he was able to deafen entire armies of men. Then he had no troubles sneaking up behind the fighters and biting their legs off. Things were going well for Earl, as he conquered army after army, rest home after rest home, but then at once, everything changed... Earl fell in love; with the world’s only four winged parakeet, Tweeter. Suddenly, conquering all of humanity did not seem important to Earl. He was much to busy making love to Tweeter to bother eating a few people.

Tweeter would often chirp out epic stories about the goodness of human beings, and Earl started to feel remorse for all of the people he had barked at, slobbered on, or eaten in the past. And so, Earl decided to make it up to humanity by bringing them a tool that was sure to speed up the advancement of their civilization, the microwave!

The people of Earth were so pleased at this gift, that they stopped wanting to glue Earl to rocks, and welcomed him as a vital part of their society. A society that was changing and growing rapidly now that such a technology as the microwave had been introduced. Of course, there were still the occasional “special” people who thought that microwaves were supposed to be used as hats. These people were all sacrificed to Earl though, who usually spared their lives and used the humans as hats... Later, Earl introduced other important technologies (like the kazoo), but they were not quite as popular as the microwave.

Yep, things were going really well for humanity. No longer were they forced to eat sticks and mashed up pieced of grass to survive; they simply threw a few bunnies into the microwave and had a grand feast. But it was humanities misuse of the microwave that eventually led to its near annihilation. You see, the chieftain of all people was especially hungry one day, and he saw Tweeter the parakeet sunning herself on a rock. He captured her, and not knowing that she was Earl’s life partner, he threw Tweeter into the microwave for an afternoon snack.

You can imagine Earl’s dread when he went to make sweet love to Tweeter, and found out that she was not in her usual spot. He frantically scoured the surrounding area for Tweeter, and eventually found the chieftain of humanity sunning himself on a rock. Earl saw a yellow parakeet feather sticking out of the chief’s mouth and knew right away what had happened. In a wild fit of anger and despair, Earl unleashed a devastating attack to all human beings within his vicinity. Spinning madly in circles, he was able to dismember many people (including the chieftain) with his razor sharp tail.

After Earl had destroyed most everybody, he had time to settle down and think about what had happened. It was then that the anguish of Tweeter’s demise enveloped Earl like carmel envelopes a carmel apple. Sticky sticky anguish that Earl could not shake off. And so earl collapsed in his sadness and cried adorable little doggie tears until a marmot who had heard all of the commotion, came to see what was going on. When Marmalade the marmot saw Earl there crying, she was moved to tears herself, knowing that something horrible had happened to this poor doggie.

Earl looked up from his crying, and saw Marmalade sitting there, and immediately fell in love with her. He renamed Marmalade, Tweeter 2, and then married her under the Autumn sun. Leaves blew all around them as they humped, and a couple of curious turtles watched from behind a bush.

Life was good for Earl again, and he let what was left of humanity live. The humans thrived into the civilization we know today, and eventually I was born. Earl, needing a human friend who would not microwave his loved ones, decided to live on my back porch... And that is where he stays to this day.

Let Earl’s story be a source of inspiration to you all. Go out there and seize the day like Earl did. Go find your love, whether it be human or marmot. Or maybe both at the same time, I’m not here to judge...

Axemaster The Fierce’s Guide to Writing an

Incredibly Awesome and Thoroughly Euphoric Short Story!

By John Lindsey (12-13-04)

Hello there children... Are you tired of writing boring and pointless short stories, void of anything cool? Have you “had it up to here” with people reading one paragraph of your writing, only to die horribly of boredom? Do you often wish that there was some “magical short story guide” that would add some much needed life to your terrible terrible works of “literary art?”

Well, now all of your deepest darkest fantasies have come true (except the one about the Vaseline and walruses), for I have written a guide that is sure to make your otherwise retarded short stories worth reading!

Now, every story needs certain things to make it “worth reading.” Among those elements are: a good plot (maybe one that involves banditos or laser toting aliens), interesting characters (aliens, ninjas, and evil robots are staple characters for any good story), and plenty of fight scenes that may or may not have anything to do with the story itself! Once you’ve mapped all of these things out in your mind or written them down on a piece of paper, it is time to start mashing them all together into a short story to rival the great classics.

First, you need to introduce your main character. His name needs to be something amazing, something that will immediately grab your reader’s attention. Let’s say that you’ve named this character Gorgatrell! Now, to start the story you need to show the reader some kind of gripping “birth scene,” that could go as follows:

There was a boom of thunder all across the swampland as Gorgatrell, master of awesomeness, emerged from the muddy swamp waters that had confined and fed him all of his life. He immediately scanned his surroundings for bad guys to beat up and babies to eat.

As was mentioned earlier, every good story needs to be filled with often meaningless fight scenes. And the very beginning of a story is a great time to throw one in. You need to start out with a tough battle, so that right away your reader will know what a bad ass Gorgatrell is. I highly recommend you have dark mages appear in puffs of smoke and start shooting fireballs and lightning bolts at Gorgatrell. It is up to you how the battle plays out, but Gorgatrell should win eventually... Since this is his first battle, it is okay if Gorgatrell loses an appendage or two as this gives him something to replace with robotic parts. I’m sure you can see the benefits of having a robotic gun arm instead of a fleshy human arm.

It is probably best around this point if you let one of the dark mages escape to tell his sinister, dark, evil, and just plain mean master about the new “good guy” Gorgatrell. This will be a kind of “plot development gimmick,” in which the narrator shows you the “Dark Lord” who wants to conquer the world and imprison all of its bunnies for his sick and twisted sexual games (like naked bunny soccer perhaps, but I’ll let you, the writer, develop your own ideas here). Right away, you must show the reader that Gorgatrell represents good, while the “Dark Lord,” who you should probably name Xanthagon (because it sounds evil), represents evil... and sexual perversion. Xanthagon will of course have many minions (now would probably be a good time to introduce the laser-eyed flying super robots), and these will be sent to destroy Gorgatrell.

You should probably show the evil robot minions flying out of Xanthagon’s fortress, while lightning strikes all around and little forest creatures flee in terror. Xanthagon should also have some kind of war chant he shouts at this period of time to encourage his robots. Something like “Go my minions of terror! Use your super lasers and electric can openers to dismember Gorgatrell!” Or I guess you could always just go with the classic “Fly! Fly! Fly!” But this is your story (yep), so I expect you to think of something superb here.

Now, it is time for you to “flash” back over to Gorgatell, who might have made it out of the swamp by now. If you just want to take up space, you can make escaping from the marshy region some kind of lengthy adventure. But it might be pretty boring to the reader, so you’ll need to “spice it up” with more pointless battles. Maybe between Gorgatrell and various highly evolved swamp creatures. Oh, and booby-traps, don’t forget to force Gorgatrell through these things as often as possible in the swampland. My personal favorite booby-traps are giant venomous tree snakes that swing back and forth across the swamp trail, and maybe occasionally shoot fire. But again, this is your story, be creative in your booby-trap ideas! If you really can’t think of anything, than feel free to rip off ideas from the movie Home Alone. You really don’t need to explain to your reader why there are sharp pieces of broken Christmas ornaments and micro machines in the swamp, just as long as you’ve mentioned earlier that the swamp is “enchanted.”

Surely by now Gorgatrell has made it out of the swamp, and it is time for him to meet his first companion/sidekick. I find that the best companions are usually violent forest creatures, as they are both very good in fights and also good to snuggle up with on cold lonely nights. But since you’re trying to be original here, you’ve probably already chosen a flying talking pet rock named Rocky as Gorgatrell’s companion, and I guess I can’t stop you.

After a lengthy dialogue session in which Gorgatrell and Rocky share their innermost secrets and become best of friends, it is time for another battle scene. Depending on how long you made the dialogue segment, our dubious duo must either fight Xanthagon’s flying robots (if the dialogue segment was long) or a band of thieves wearing green tights followed by the aforementioned robots. Or maybe you could have both battles at once, and the thieves could come in riding on the backs of the robots; it’s good to just leave the reader guessing how the thieves got on the robots in between the time Xanthagon released them and the epic battle scene.

This battle is more important than the previous ones, as it lets Rocky prove his worth, and also shows just how brutal laser-eyed flying super robots are. Their steely glare, their blinding and flashy lights, their mechanical battle cries, their deadly deadly lasers, and their cold lustrous metallic carapaces... Brutal indeed. Indeedy do.

It is up to you what kind of super powers you give Rocky, but since he is just a floating pet rock, I recommend the feared “fall on the enemy’s foot” attack! But whatever, it’s your story, you can give him fire breath if you want to... A skill he perhaps learned back when he was only a piece of slowly cooling lava on the earth’s surface. His fiery demeanor might have been what kept his heart from cooling completely, the very heart from which he gets his limitless supply of fire breath.

And now that the robots and/or thieves have been disposed of, it is time for a beautiful dialogue segment between Rocky and Gorgatrell that furthers their unique relationship... I will allow you to copy and paste some of my dialogue if you’re having trouble writing your own, so here:

“Those laser-eyed flying super-robots sure are brutal,” said Gorgatrell.

“Gortatrell...” said Rocky, “I have something to tell you.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“I... I love you!”

“I... love you too Rocky! I’ve loved you since the day we met... Well, I guess that was today. I’ve loved you since today!”

Really, all of this romance is just thrown in for the ladies, and you may have to write in an intense love making scene to keep the guys interested too. Make sure you write a lot about Rocky’s angular rock breasts. Us guys can’t get enough of that stuff. Similes would work great here; something like “those rock breasts were as sharp as kitten teeth, and twice as shiny.” Or... “They were like two exotic and multifaceted diamonds.” Either quote is sure to get your reader as excited as a bunny on free carrot day.

Now our duo needs to do some detective work in nearby villages to search for clues about who keeps sending assassins after Gorgatrell. It will be your job to write clever ways in which these assassination attempts can be linked to the evil, evil Xanthagon.

Xanthagon of course will not be idle this entire time and will send his second in command/apprentice Evil Ed to go and kidnap Rocky and use her to bait Gorgatrell into a devious deathtrap. You see, the reader must know that Xanthagon is too “cool” and “villainy” to do this sort of grunt work himself. Using some sort of inventive trick, or maybe just with a really strong and fire retardant net, Ed must successfully capture Rocky and take her back to Xanthagon’s fortress where all kinds of unmentionable tortures will be imposed upon Rockey’s multifaceted rock breasts…

Gorgatrell will of course despair over the “kidnaping” of his lovable rock companion and will try and track Evil Ed down. On his quest, Gorgatrell will presumably meet other characters who also have reasons to hate/want to kill Evil Ed and his master Xanthagon. It'd be pretty cool if Gorgatrell could find and reprogram one of Xanthagon's own evil robots to use against him.

Now, as these characters are just kind of "side characters," it is important that you kill them off as the story goes along. Your readers will be moved to tears as Christina the Cheerful Chipmunk sacrifices her own life to save Gorgatrell and his other companions; staying behind to hold off a rather feisty pack of rabid wolves whilst Gorgatrell and company escape to safety.

Eventually, after all of the side characters die, it is time for Gorgatrell to stumble upon Xanthagon's Top-Secret Fortress of Unhappiness and Unpleasantness. Here, you should add a lengthy "quest through the fortress" segment where Gorgatrell kills lots of guards and narrowly avoids death as he prances through many booby trap infested corridors looking for Rocky.

And when he finally finds her, Evil Ed and Xanthagon will spring their "trap." You must put your slowly growing writing skills to the test here, and come up with some ingenious way for Gorgatrell to "escape" the trap and take the fight to the Ed and Xanthagon duo.

Now around this time every good story needs some kind of stupefying plot twist. Something out of the blue and not expected at all... Like maybe, maybe Gorgatrell really is... Xanthagon's evil twin!! A twin so evil that it is astounding that we've thought of Gorgatrell as the good guy this entire story. A twin that Xanthagon erased the memory of and sealed away in that swamp long ago... A twin who now wants to reclaim his title to the position of "Dark Lord!" Using his newly found evilness, Gorgatrell should be able to defeat his brother and Evil Ed.

But alas Gorgatrell's love Rocky will not like this evil at all, and it is up to you as the writer to decide whether Gorgatrell listens to her and turns back to the path of good, or instead eats her and goes on to rule the world!

Anyway... I hope you have enjoyed my short story guide, and will use it as a schematic for all of your future short story endeavors. It is the only way to assure good quality work from yourself, and the only way to ever accomplish your own self actualization...

Some "funny" epigrams, aphorisms, and quotes

by John Lindsey (11-30-05)

*And then all of the ninjas combined their powers, focusing all of their energy into a single deadly numchuck swipe… That was the end of the southern hemisphere.

*Twelve of the sixteen budgies opened their golden beaks and sang the ancient song of healing… and thus Tasmania was saved once again.

*No one knew where the origami monkeys came from, but the paper cuts the monkeys gave were enough to make the world loath them.

*The flower grew and grew until it realized it was no longer a flower, but was rather a large pigeon.

*The glass of coffee broke on Mojo’s foot, even as the choir began to sing Native American war chants.

*It was not the fire from the sky that disturbed the otherwise peaceful village, but the annoying squawks of the village madman.

*You never know how far you’ll make it in the world until you’ve viewed its vastness from atop the shell of a tortoise.

*Holding a map upside down is the best way to get you exactly where you need to be… a madhouse you psychopath!

*Five of the previously docile iguanas rebelled that day… No mosquitoes survived.

*No one knew for certain whether the gigantic three armed aliens were real or just a figment of their collective imaginations.

*The nuns were too busy worshiping false idols to realize their tea was ready.

*None of the banditos had ever seen a woman so lovely, or so covered in enchiladas and gorditas.

*The constipated man contemplated his plight as he read The New York Times.

*Never had the bunnies been this out of control. And never would they be so again if the bumble bees had their way.

*Jose cast off his pants with glee! Never would he feel their restrictiveness again.

*It was then that Jenna realized it was not her lack of motivation that was holding her back, but rather the industrial strength adhesive someone had applied to her chair.

*And the two danced the night away, unaware that the zebras were nearly upon them.

*A glass of wine goes a long way in quenching the fiery desire of an obese walrus.

*It takes more than a dollar to feed a hobo; it takes a love burrito as well…

*No one knew what it was that fell from the sky that day, but the neighborhood children never smiled again…

*It wasn’t until Batman killed the jaywalker, that the old lady knew she was truly safe.

*It is more fun to ride a llama than a cactus.

*If a man asks you to choose between a hashbrown and a waffle, slap him in the face.

*A rest home is far more hospitable than a pit full of snakes and lava. *If you are ever confronted by a mugger, just pretend you are a bear. No mugger would mess with a bear.

*If a man asks you for a dollar, beat him up and steal his socks.

*If you ever find yourself on thin ice, it’s probably a good idea to go ahead and put your scuba gear on.

*The man had grappled with the demon for upwards of a decade before the doctor came to tell him it was all in his head.

*If you ever hire a court full of knights, it’s probably not best to buy them a polygonal table.

*Babbette was confused, and poured the glass of tea into the sugar packet.

*Jimbo knew he was in trouble when the government came looking for the stolen nuke.

*The pine tree yelled “timber!” jokingly as it chopped down the lumberjack.

*When the shit hits the fan, it’s probably best to just go somewhere else.

* “But bunnies don’t exist!” screamed the man when confronted with the truth.

*I died a little on the inside the day the men came to put Grandma down... *He who doesn't drink, won't pee...

*A wiseman once said something wise...

*Feed a hobo, make a friend...

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