Yet Another Meaningless Love Story
The pot... of Gold
The Highlights of the Great Schism that was as Great as any Schism had a Right to Be
This is About Prom!?
I Finally Killed an Anti-Ninja!
The Violent Bob Saga (work in progress)
Yet Another Meaningless Love Story
By John Lindsey (February 02)
Jimbo got out of his car and started up the sidewalk to his girlfriend's house with a box of half-eaten chocolates in one hand, and an engagement ring in the other.
"I just know she'll say yes," he thought aloud, "No one can resist my...charm."
Cupid (who was quite the stalker) had been watching Jimbo from a nearby tree, readied his bow and arrow for firing. He knew Jimbo's attempts at getting the girl would be nothing without an "arrow of love."
As Jimbo reached the door, Cupid released the arrow. The arrow pierced through Jimbo's back and went directly to his heart.
"Ouchie!" he proclaimed, "I've been shot!"
Cupid tried flying down from the tree, but instead lost his balance and fell headfirst. Jimbo turned around and said shakingly, "Y...you're that strange nearly-naked guy with wings who keeps stalking me! Why? Why did you shoot me!?"
"Oh, that was just an 'arrow of love.' You should feel fine soon, and now you'll be irresistible to the ladies!" exclaimed Cupid.
"I...I can feel the life draining from me...I'm a goner," replied Jimbo.
"What!? That's not supposed to happen! You should feel just fine!" exclaimed Cupid in disbelief.
"Well, what did you expect, moron! You shot me in the heart with a freaking arrow!"
"B...But, it was an 'arrow of love' you should feel no discomfort. Hmmm...I guess I must have made the 'arrow of love' wrong. Guess I'll have to move on to the next vict... I mean 'love recipient."
Cupid flapped his adorable little wings and flew to the river, "accidentally" dropping his bow into the water.
He was startled to hear the fluttering of wings behind him, so he turned around.
"It...It's you!" said Cupid as he looked upon the face of yet another Cupid like angel, "What is the Head Cupid, Boblio, doing away from Heaven?"
"I have been keeping an eye on you Cupid," said Boblio, "You haven't been successful in making people fall in love since five years ago when you were late for an appointment, and the couple fell in love on their own. In fact, you've killed more people with your ‘arrows of love’ then you've helped! Frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm giving you one more chance to make a couple fall in love, and if you mess up this time, your career as Cupid is over! Do I make myself clear, punk!?"
"Of course you do," said Cupid as he grabbed a new bow from Boblio.
"Good, I'll be leaving you now. I'm scheduled to make two hamsters fall in love five minutes from now," said Boblio.
Boblio turned and flew away. Cupid was tempted to shoot arrows at him, but decided not to.
"So," he thought aloud, "I have to successfully make a couple fall in love, or I lose my Cupid license. Guess I'll just have to get serious about my job."
He lept into the air, and flew towards the city. He lowered his head, and flew through an apartment window.
He looked around and was glad to see that no one was there. He saw an open closet, and decided to hide until the occupant returned.
Meanwhile, five miles down the road, at the Grazing Cattle Bar, the occupant of that very apartment was sitting alone.
"Give me another chocolate milk!" the man shouted to the bartender.
"No Georgio, you've had enough," said the bartender.
"Hey, I'm old enough to know when I've had enough, so give me another drink!"
The bartender gave in, and served Georgio another chocolate milk.
Just then, an attractive young lady walked into the bar and sat down at a table. Georgio was enamored by her beauty and decided to put the moves on her.
"So, do you like chocolate milk?" Georgio asked.
"It's okay," she replied, "Why do you ask?"
"I just wanted to know if you wanted some," Georgio replied.
"Sure, if you're buying," the lady said.
"Bartender! Another glass of chocolate milk!"
Georgio took the full glass of chocolate milk, and handed his other, half drank glass, to the lady.
"There you go...fiend!" exclaimed Georgio.
"Hey jerk! Who are you calling fiend!? And, why didn't you buy me a whole glass of chocolate milk? That's it, I don't have to take this!"
As the lady left the table Georgio shouted after her, "I meant...friend! Yes, that was it... friend."
Georgio was overcome with sadness and decided to go
home. He stumbled out of the bar, walked the five miles to his apartment , and entered his room. Exhausted, he immediately collapsed on his bed.
Cupid realized that the room's occupant was home, so he sprang out of the closet shouting his battle cry!
"Ahhh!!!" screamed Georgio, "It's my old Uncle Fredrique, and he's half naked, and he just jumped out of my closet! The terror, the terror!"
"I'm not Fredrique, I'm Cupid, and you're my next love recipient!"
"Ahhh again!" shouted Georgio, "I don't want any part of your 'love"
"No, it's not anything like that! I'm here to help you fall in love," said Cupid.
"Oh... well in that case, there's this chick that lives down the hall from me; she's special," said Georgio.
"Okay, then let's get started!" exclaimed Cupid.
They walked down the hall, and Georgio prepared to knock on the door.
"Wait!" said Cupid, "I have a plan. Since I am the 'Angel of Love,' I'll write little messages, and shoot them onto the open door while you talk to this girl. You must inconspicuously take these messages, and read them aloud to her. She will definitely fall in love with you."
"Okay, that sounds like a good plan. My pickup lines never work anyway," Georgio replied.
Georgio knocked on the door, and a couple of seconds later a girl opened it.
"Oh, hi Georgio. What brings you to this side of the hallway?" she asked.
"Actually Elena, I was here to-," he was interrupted by an arrow flying past his ear, and sticking into the door. He reached up, pulled off the message, and read it aloud.
"Elena, how would you like to get a glass of chocolate milk?"
"Huh, what are you talking about?" Elena replied," And, why is there a half-naked guy in the hallway shooting arrows at my door?"
"Oh, actually-" Georgio was interrupted by yet another arrow, he read it aloud, "Pay no attention to the half-naked angel. He is just a figment of your imagination!"
"Oh, okay," Elena replied, "Honestly, it's not the first time I've had a half-naked guy shoot arrows at me...But anyway, I don't really want any chocolate milk right now, and if you don't get that half-naked guy away from my door soon, I will be forced to release Fibi."
She then pointed to a rather vicious looking iguana in a cage in the corner of the room. Georgio, and even Cupid, shuddered at the sight of such a ferocious animal.
Things were not going well for the Cupid and Georgio team, but Cupid was not ready to give up. He released his final message arrow, and Elena just so happened to be reaching for the doorknob at the same time.
"Ahh! I've been maimed!" she exclaimed, "B...but I'm starting to feel tingly all over. Is this what they call love? Or is my hand just getting numb from blood loss?"
"Please be love, please be love," Cupid and Georgio said in unison.
"Oh, the arrow has a note tied to it," said Elena as she reached for the note, "It says, 'Will you marry me!?"
"Of course, I will marry you!" she exclaimed.
Georgio was starting to get very... happy, but was shocked to see Elena put her arm around Cupid.
"How can this be?" the shocked Georgio asked.
"Well," said Cupid, "I guess Boblio, never really said that I couldn't be the one to fall in love! I finally completed an assignment and nobody died!"
"I'm proud of you Cupid," said Elena, "Now let's get that chocolate milk!"
"Okay Elena, okay," said Cupid.
They walked out of the building hand in hand; Cupid picked her up in his arms, and flew her to the paradise of Rhode Island!
Georgio decided it was best for him to return to the bar, and try to find love...again. Just like he had for years and years.
The pot... of Gold
By John Lindsey (3-4-02)
Fredrique looked through his binoculars as he was speeding down the highway in his car.
He knew that using binoculars while on a busy highway was dangerous, but he was trying to find the exact place where a newly formed rainbow touched the ground.
"There it is!" he shouted maniacally as he stepped on the gas.
He knew that he must get to the end of the rainbow soon, if he expected to find a pot of gold. It is a known scientific fact that rainbows fade quickly. He apathetically knocked pedestrians out of the way as he exceeded the 90 m.p.h. mark. The rainbow was in the middle of a field, so Fredrique turned off the road and busted through a fence or two.
Actually, it was more like three, and innocent sheep scurried to get out of the way of the speeding car.
The rainbow was very close now, and Fredrique reached for his shovel.
He looked down at his fuel gauge, but when he looked back up he noticed a big ditch in his path. His car dipped down as it approached the ditch and he came up the bank on the other side even faster. The bank acted as a ramp that sent Fredrique's car soaring directly over the end of the rainbow.
The instant his rear bumper passed it, there was a flash of light and he was transported to what he assumed was an alternate dimension.
His car finally came to a stop, and he got out with the shovel in hand.
After he left the vehicle, a small green man jumped out from behind a rock and shouted, "I'm the leprechaun!"
Fredrique instinctively swung his shovel, knocking the poor leprechaun into a grove of shamrocks. The shovel's handle splintered from the blow. He felt badly about what he had done, but it was just a reflex...or so he told himself. Fredrique soon forgot about it and walked down the path ahead.
He soon came to a rather large clearing and looked around for signs of life. He walked into the center of the clearing and looked around some more. He heard some rustling in the bushes behind him, so he turned to see what it was. He didn't see anything and he turned around to continue on, but was startled to see that many leprechauns had magically appeared.
Fredrique decided to run. "No!" he screamed when he realized that more leprechauns had appeared on the other side of him too; he was surrounded! Fredrique pulled a spork out of his pocket and prepared to defend himself.
It was at this time that a rather rotund leprechaun stepped forward and said, "Thank you strange visitor! You have slain the Evil Leprechaun of the Southeast!"
Fredrique realized that these leprechauns were not here to cause him physical or sexual harm, so he put away his spork.
All of a sudden the leprechauns started to do an Irish jig and began to sing:
Aye, Aye the leprechaun’s gone!
He was hit in the head by the chosen one;
Aye, Aye the leprechaun is gone!
They kept singing like this, on and on, until the noise started to bother Fredrique.
Just as he started to reach for his spork, the singing stopped.
"Since you have saved us from the Evil Leprechaun, we will grant you one wish! It is truly by the luck of the Irish that you have come to us today!" said the rotund leprechaun.
The leprechauns started up their jig and song again. Fredrique held his ears in pain and shouted, "I just wish you'd stop with all of the high-pitched leprechaun singing!"
"Very well then," said the rotund leprechaun as he signaled the other leprechauns to stop singing, "Your wish is granted, but now you must leave this most sacred place."
"Wait, no! That wasn't my real wish. I wanted your pot... of gold!" shouted Fredrique angrily.
Then he looked out of the corner of his eye, and noticed a twinkle of light, he turned to see the pot of gold!
"Finally, it's mine!" he shouted as he ran towards the pot.
"No, you must not!" shouted the leprechaun as he bounded after him, "If that gold is tainted by the greed of people, then rainbows will never form again! Only leprechauns may handle it!"
Fredrique thought about how sad the world would be without rainbows, and reluctantly came to a stop.
"Okay, just tell me how to get back to the real world then..."
Suddenly, the Evil Leprechaun from the Southeast that Fredrique had supposedly slain hopped out of another grove of shamrocks.
"The gold is mine!" The leprechaun yelled as he pulled off his mask, showing everyone that he was not a leprechaun at all, but just some evil guy...
He ran over to the pot and picked it up. It was heavy, but he started to run off anyway.
"No, think of the rainbows!" screamed Fredrique as he threw his spork.
It pierced directly into the thief's leg, and he toppled over in pain.
Immediately, the many leprechauns swarmed him. They picked him up and threw him over the rainbow that was now emitting from the gold.
The evil, would-be thief was transported back to the other dimension, and the leprechauns cheered with much glee.
Fredrique feared that they would start singing again soon, so he jumped back over the rainbow, saw the flash of light again, and passed out.
When he awoke, he found himself in his car, in the ditch he had originally driven into.
"W...Was that all a dream?" he asked himself.
Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw a leprechaun doing a jig, but when Fredrique turned to look, it was gone. Fredrique started his car and drove back onto the highway.
He was now content with his life and vowed to never chase after leprechaun's gold again.
The Highlights of the Great Schism that was as Great as any Schism had a Right to Be
By: The artist formerly known as John Lindsey (3-4-02)
Ah, the Great Schism. The mere whispering of its name has been known to bring a tear to the eye of even the most emotionally resilient. The dictionary defines schism as the division of a group into mutually antagonistic factions. Therefore, calling one the Great Schism would mean that it was an exceptionally tremendous schism. One that the likes of the world has rarely seen in the past, and perhaps never will in the future. A schism so great that even the grand Galapagos Tortoises, famed for their uncanny courage, run away from all those who utter its name.
The Great Schism, which was great indeed, started around 1378 A.D. This crazy pope named Pope Gregory XI decided to reestablish the papacy in Rome in January 1377. This put an end to what the scholars like to call “Babylonian Captivity” of the church in Avignon. Many English bishops could be heard celebrating…
After Pope Gregory died horribly by foreclosed means, some cardinals (not the bird cardinals…) elected an Italian bishop (a mobster perhaps?) as Pope Urban VI. This silly would-be mobster announced his intentions for reforming the Curia (the administrative body at the Vatican, by which the Pope governs the Roman Catholic Church). The French cardinals didn’t like this, because they were French… They would have less influence over the papacy (peer pressure was a big thing back then too) if it wasn’t located in Avignon, France. They ran in circles angrily, and used king Charles V’s support to start a schism. It came to be known as the “Great Schism,” yet no one remembers who called it this first. It was most likely a wandering vagrant though; they were more common in those times.
Five months after Urban’s election thirteen cardinals (twelve were French) formed their own renegade conclave and elected Pope Clement VII. They may have titled this conclave something along the lines of “The Great Conclave O’ Clement,” but it is doubtful… Some other French people reportedly started a ketchup company, but I think that my “source” may have been off by a couple of years.
The cardinals blamed their election on a Roman mob that demanded an election of an Italian (most likely mobster) pope. This mob most likely had pitchforks and torches, so who could blame the poor cardinals? Hmm… An Italian man is forced to become a pope by a rather large mob… So technically he was a mobster… His grandpa Georgio (an assumed nickname) would be proud.
Now there were two papal courts, and allegiance was divided along political lines. The English and their allies were rather fond of Urban, while the French cheered for the pope known as Clement VII. The tension built, and was strong enough to mentally scar old ladies… Which is just… wrong.
A couple of approaches were initially taken to end this so called schism. Each failed miserably (the shame, the shame). One attempt involved the two popes coming to a mutual cession, which would hopefully lead to the election of a new pope; the other involved one pope resigning to the other. Neither method ever came into being, because both popes were assumedly power hungry (one was even an alleged mobster). Only a couple alternative methods remained. One was the deposition of both popes by a special council of the church, and the other was a one on one pope duel to the death… The unviolent (I’m aware this is not a word, but if Shakespeare, the extremely famous playwright, can make up his own words, then me, the lowly high school student, can invent a couple of my own) popes decided that a special counsel, or two… or three would be more appropriate. After all, what would the lowly peasants think if they saw two popes battling to the death over a pit of excruciatingly hot magma? What would any of us think? I would buy tickets to see that fight, just imagine the two God called warriors displaying their differing fighting skills… Oops, I got side tracked; Dueling is exciting.
Legally, a church counsel could only convened called by a pope. Unfortunately, neither pope wanted a council to take place when they knew that they would be removed from office. Whether or not a conciliar deposition was politically correct was debated for a good thirty years. That is a long time to argue over something… Just think, if the parties involved had spent all of their arguing time fighting crime instead, the world would have been a much safer place for your average peasant. But, once again, the needs of the higher ups were put ahead of the peasants’ (who most likely just plowed their fields without caring anyway).
Eventually the council supporters figured that the church as a whole should be governed by the faithful as a whole, with the pope acting to hold this bond of unity and love together. Several of my sources claim that this was where the first hippies came from… Again, my well-paid sources could be wrong, but I tend to trust those I pay the most.
In 1409, some cardinals “representing” both popes convened a council in Pisa. It is assumed that while they were all there, they stood in one side of a local tower for so long that it leaned… This could just be a tall tale though, and I’m sure that no historical truth can be pulled from the aforementioned statement. While in the council, they deposed both of the popes and elected Alexander V as the new pope. Of course, the other popes ignored this deposing, and now there were a total of three popes (sounds like the beginning of a bad joke to me…). The puritans would have most likely laughed at the folly of the Catholics. That is, if they had been allowed to laugh, and actually existed at the time of the “Great Schism.”
This zany situation ended when the wise Emperor Sigismun prevailed on John XXIII to call yet another council in Constance in 1414. The Roman pope, Gregory XII, actually recognized this council, and hey two out of three popes isn’t bad. “Two out of three popes say the Council of Constance is okay!” is a quote that the local town crier, if in fact they called him that, may have screamed loudly. I know I would have…
In a declaration entitled the Sacrosancta, the council acted out their “We’re the bosses” part, elected yet another pope dubbed Martin V. Regular meetings were then called one after five, one after seven, and after that every ten years. Because none of the councils were actually legitimate, many whisperings about took place (take that however you want to…).
In the year 1431 another council took place called the Council of Besel. The popes just love their councils! Really though, who wouldn’t? By the way, my sources tell me that rhetorical questions are aloud in essays… How can I say no to that? How could anyone say no to that, let alone these crazy popes!?
I want to break up this essay real quick with a little pope poem:
Popes are skillful at the art of praying,
Donkeys are good at the art of braying.
Popes stand in steeples oh so tall,
I fear that Quasimoto just may fall.
Popes practice their ninja skills daily,
They kick and punch and laugh so gaily.
Popes battle over lakes of lava,
And afterwards they drink warm java!
Back to the council of Basel… In this council, the council negotiated church doctrine with heretics! In 1432 some Hussites of Bohemia presented the Four Articles of Prague as a basis of negotiations. Eventually, the pope decided that he didn’t like the exercise of power by such a council, so he upstaged them by negotiating a reunion with the Eastern Church. Eventually, the “Great Schism” came to an end…
Now, I think that this could have been settled much easier and faster (ah oh, here comes some opinion into an essay). First of all, all of the head clergy in the entire world should have convened at a specified battleground, a platform high above a volcano perhaps? Then they should have had a battle of epic proportions. All of the survivors would be dubbed cardinals and bishops; depending on how many people they threw into the lava pit. Then, the person who threw in the most people (the kills would be recorded by a passing vagrant) would become the new and rightful pope! This pope would be lawfully allowed to decide where the papal “government’s” capital resides. Heck, they could put it in Rhode Island if they had the desire to do so! What I’m trying to say is that the Great Schism was a very trying time in the history of our great
This is About Prom!?
John Lindsey 4-18-02
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
It was prom night...
It is a time when Eskimos can be found frolicking in
the forest! In the wild unforgiving forest of
Snowballs, hurled with the force of ten-thousand
rabbis, impede the movement of the stampeding water
But, this has nothing to do with our story, so I'll
The real tale begins in the quiet village of
Hamten. In this village every high school senior has a
date to prom; every one but Bob that is.
He was never the one to pay attention in school, so
he didn't even know his school was having prom until
the day before it was scheduled.
He heard everyone talking excitedly about it in the
hallways, so he decided that he must go to this thing
they call prom.
He needed a date, so he started asking
miscellaneous girls in the hallway if they'd go with
him. It didn't take him long to realize that most
girls already had a date, and the ones who didn't
weren't interested in going with poor old Bob.
He was dedicated to the task at hand though, and
soon found a girl that said she'd go with him if he
paid her a large sum of money.
He cordially excepted this proposal and jumped
about in his infinite happiness. The girl ran away in
embarrassment from the horror of his happy jumping.
It didn't matter to Bob though, because she had
already guaranteed him a date, and people just don't
go back on their word these days. Perhaps he was just
That night, after school, Bob decided to make all
of his prom preparations. First he decided to ask his
mom just what a "prom" was.
After she told him it was the last high school
dance ever for seniors (unless they flunk), he was
quite happy. After all, he could now use all of the
square dance moves he had been avidly practicing the
His mom then preceded to tell him that he needed to
go and get a tuxedo. He didn't really know what a
tuxedo was, he assumed it was a small dog, but he knew
of a place down the road called Big Papa's Place of
Tuxedos and Ninja Apparel.
He entered the store and looked at the shop keeper
"Where were all of the dogs?" he wondered.
The shop keeper then informed him that a tuxedo was
a kind of clothing. Bob didn't like to wear clothing
much, but he told the man that he'd rent one anyway.
Then, to Bob's dismay, the shop keeper informed him
that all tuxes were rented out, and that he should
have been there sooner.
Bob kicked the man, and ran out with one of the
ninja bandanas (don't steal, kids). He decided that
this would have to do, and casually ran from the
progressing shop keeper.
When he got home, he informed his mother that he
had in fact been to the tuxedo store. She assumed that
he had gotten a tux, and told him that he needed a
Once again, he had no idea what this was, so his
mother had to inform him that it was a flower that he
would pin on his date's dress. His mind kept wandering
to childhood memories of pin the tail on the donkey...
He ran to his room and grabbed a thumbtack. He then
went outside and searched the vicinity for flowers.
He noticed some dandelions growing, and since they
were his favorite flower, he decided to use one as his
It was starting to get late, yet Bob was not tired
and needed something to occupy his time with while he waited for the next day's prom.
He got onto his tricycle and cruised the town
looking for nothing in particular. He noticed a small
group of ninjas warming themselves by a trash fire and
decided to go talk to them.
He put on his recently "acquired" ninja bandana (so
he?d look like another ninja), and walked up to their
They talked far into the night, and each ninja took
his turn telling of his ninja exploits. When it got to
Bob's turn he stood up excitedly.
He began to talk excitedly about the first tooth he
had lost back in kindergarten. The "real" ninjas only
had to listen for a little while before they realized
that he was an imposter ninja.
On ninja jumped up and yanked off Bob's bandana.
Bob's lack of battle scars on his face pointed out the
obvious; Bob was no ninja.
Bob hastily grabbed his bandana, got on his
tricycle, and sped down the road at an amazingly fast
pace (for a tricycle).
The angry ninjas were sprinting close behind
(ninjas are very fast). They began to throw ninja
stars and large pineapples at the back of Bob's head.
One of the pineapples was on target, and knocked
Bob right off of his tricycle. This did not make Bob
very happy, and after he could stand up once more, he
flexed his muscles threateningly at the ninjas.
The ninjas stared in awe for a while, and then
finally one ninja after the other began to laugh
histerically. They had never seen such a character as
Bob; one who dared flex at the dreaded ninja!
They decided to make him an honorary ninja, and
even gave him a sticker with his new name written on
it, "Ninja Bob."
Shortly after this, the sun came up and Bob told
the other ninjas that he needed to get a little sleep
before he went to prom. They congratulated him on his
ninja status once more and then vanished into the
Bob lay down right on the sidewalk and fell asleep
shortly. He was woken up many hours later by a police
The officer informed Bob that he could not loiter
around on this public sidewalk any longer. Bob then
asked him what time it was, and found out that prom
started in five minutes.
Bob then leapt upon his slightly damaged tricycle,
and sped off towards his "date's" house.
When he got there, he knocked on the door
relentlessly until she came out. When he informed her
that he was here to take her to the prom, she laughed
and told him she was just being sarcastic the day
before. She then commenced to tell him that when she
said she'd date him for a million dollars, she meant
Her "real" date showed up several seconds later,
and asked her who this other guy was. She was about to
tell him all about her new stalker, when Bob slipped
a million dollar check into the girl's open hand.
She immediately kicked her "real" date off of her
front lawn, and put her arm around her new friend Bob.
He told her to get on the tricycle, and though she
wondered why someone who could just hand out million
dollar checks was driving a tricycle, she got on
without a word. She didn't really care what all she had
to go through that night; she had a million dollars.
They slowly made their way to the local dance hall
(where the prom was taking place), and found a good
place to park.
They were late, so they sprinted to the doors.
Then, the official at the door asked Bob for his prom
No one had told Bob that he needed a ticket to get
to prom, so he tried to push his way past the ticket taker. The ticket taker drew out a tazer and yelled at Bob rather loudly, telling him that none shall pass without a ticket!
Bob thought all was lost until he remembered the
gift that the ninjas from earlier had given him. They
had given him a whistle, and told him to blow it in
times of great peril; he did that now.
Immediately, a legion of ninjas appeared from thin
air, and stared threateningly at the ticket taker. The
ticket taker and the ninjas began to relive the
ancient enmity that ticket takers and ninjas have had
towards each other since the beginning of man. They
started to battle fiercely, and Bob used this
diversion to slip into prom with out a ticket (the
So it came to pass that Bob enjoyed what he thought
would be the last dance of his senior "career." Little
did he know that he would flunk high school a total of
twelve time before he finally graduated.
As for his nameless date, she ended up investing
her million in a ninja apparel franchise. Many years
later, she and Bob saw each other for the first time
in many years in one of those stores and were married
on the spot.
They all lived happily ever after, though no one
really knows what became of the battling ninjas and
the ticket holder (horrible sequel planned).
I Finally Killed an Anti-Ninja!
John Lindsey 9-26-02
As you all may know, the ninja race is near extinct now days. We were doing just fine too, until those fiendish anti-ninjas were somehow warped into this relm...
They could somehow counter every single one of our ninja attacks, and many fell to the anti-ninjas' supioror fighting tactics. It has been a dark time for me and my fellow ninjas... Not only have we been forced into hiding, but we've also had all of our ninja stars broken by these fiends!
Very few of us have survived thus far, and the future has been looking very grave for our kind.
But... I can say that I actually defeated an anti-ninja in battle! I will now tell you of the real events that happened last August the 8th (that awesome holiday I told you all about), and why I've kept silent about them until now.
The day seemed like any other... My small band of ninjas were aware that a rather large anti-ninja force had been on our trail (we were downwind from them--oh the stench...) for many days. We had been running through the hills and forest with speed that only the swiftest ninjas can muster, when Ninja T. decided that he was tired and needed a break.
Many others agreed that it was a good idea, and we stopped behind a big rock (in hopes it would shield us from view). We ate our ninja-treats, and drank our Ninja Cola in relative peace untill it was decided that someone needed to scout the surrounding area for any sign from our persuers.
We decided to draw straws for this obviously suicidal act, and I was relived to see that Ninja T. pulled the shortest straw. He began to cry in a very un-ninja way, but eventually headed into the forest.
Nearly a half an hour later, we heard the screams of poor Ninja T. peirce the serenity. Several ninjas wet themselves, which is very un-ninja like...
So, we drew straws again to see who would go take Ninja T.'s place. I cried out in anguish as I pulled out the shortest straw... In my histeria, I bagan to throw savage ninja-glares in all directions; several squirells were somehow maimed by this.
I got over this tantrum eventually, and gravely headed in the same direction Ninja T. went.
I walked on for minutes with no incident, and I began to feel better about my situation; I actually though I might not be attacked at all! I began to whistle some old ninja folk songs (a very stupid thing to do when anti-ninjas are around), and skipped merrily into a nice sized forest medow. I saw a deer there, and Judo chopped it in half in my abundent happiness.
I began to breakdance for no apparent reason, and I had soon drawn in a croud of forrest inhabitants. All was going well, the sky was blue, and I had a strange affair with a raccon... All was perfect until I heard the fierce call of an anti-ninja in the forest about thirty yards to my left...
My animal companions ran, though they had relatively little to fear (they weren't ninjas). I pretended to be a tree stump, hoping that it would fool this anti-ninja...
Of course, this anti-ninja saw right through my Ninja mind tricks, and came barreling out of the forest right at me! I knew running was futile, so I focused an incredible ammount of "ninja energy" into a feirce Ninja Death Strike that could have taken out a whole planet!
My effort was wasted as the anti-ninja easilly countered the move and sent me flying into a nearby pit of... lava! It was horrile, but I drug myself out anyway. Afterall, I am a ninja; I can't let a little lava get me down.
I then let loose a barrage of ninja punches, kicks, and pelvic thrusts! Unfortunatly for me, this anti-ninja somehow broke the laws of physics and dodged them all while casually reading a copy of Sports Illistrated!
Nothing I tried would harm him. I kicked, I scratched, I bit, but in the end he pounded me into the core of the earth... As I lay burning, I heard a strange voice. It said, "Use the anti-anti-ninja attack!"
Somehow, I was revitalized. I floated all the way back to the surface of the earth, and smirked at the anti-ninja who just so happened to be laughing maniacly. He stared at me suggestively, and then he attacked!
Then... I did the end all anti-anti-ninja attack. For a moment, the Earth rotated backwards on its axis. Everywhere, forest creatures were regressing in age. The anti-ninja stared at me in awe as he slowely metamophasized into a small baby, all while I was protected in my ninja timecapsule-spheremajig. I casually stepped on him, and he was nothing more that a splatter of anti-ninja fluid on the ground.
Unfortuanatly, I had no idea how far back in time I had gone... Could that anti-ninja have possibly been billion of years old!?
I was very confused, and I asked a passing rabbit what day and year it was... He looked at me like I was insane, and told me it was August 8th 2002...
This callendar seems so foreign to me... In my time, we use the Ninjallender; I don't know what the heck an August is! I just know that it is a holiday that needs to be commemorated!
I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get back to my time/demention though... When the Earth actually started going the right direction again, I fell over (very un-ninja like), and hit my head on a rock. Now I have no idea how I altered the Earth's rotation.
If someone could help me out, it'd be great...
I have kept silent about this for over a month for one simple reason. I didn't want you all to think I was crazy... You don't, do you!?
Back to Page Top!